Yet again, I am alone, and this means - I am not doing well. As usual, my friends, not unwilling to join me at the moments of pleasure and happiness, are conveniently absent during the time of trouble and pain. The pleasant moments I may share, but the pain is always mine entirely. That seems to be the rule of the land, or the general rule of friendship - here...
I feel betrayed. I can't help thinking that I might have been deceiving myself. Do they need me as much as I need them? Do they place the same value on our relationship as I do - or, perhaps, I was merely a not inconventient rest stop on the way to something more important? Is this all just a game?
My ideals and goals are falling before me. I am evaluated in the most private acts by people who have no place and no right to evaluate anyone about anything. And yet, their judgement is passsed on and accepted by most, if not all, involved. I cannot fight, I cannot argue. I am losing my mind. And there is no one to turn to.
I am writing this here because I know for a fact that no one reads my writing - except, occasionally, my husband. This is a private space - not because it is designed to be, but because no one is interested in me in the least... The private public domain - is it not... contradictory to itself? The whole world can become contradictory like that...
Hi Katya,
ReplyDeleteFair weather friends? I could write about that too. I used to have very close friends, ones closer than a brother, but that was in the past in another place and another time...
Take a little cheer here though. We at the book club do very much treasure your presence. Maybe with your new work schedule, (despite the never ending work of your also being a busy parent), you will be able to come more often to our rollicking discussions.
Daniel