I am not like them. I am not fat. I am not ugly. I do not say ugly things. I always do the right thing. I always try. I try to take care of my responsibilities. My responsibilities are my family. My family is most important in my life. My life is full. Full of responsibilities. Full of work. Full of plans.
I plan to take care of bills. I plan to take care of debt. I plan to move. I plan.
They do things. They cheat on their spouses. They get pregnant. They abandon their children. They get drunk. They get stoned. They make mistakes. They get taken care of. They go to Las Vegas. They go to LA. They do. I plan.
They feel. They feel loved. They feel close. They feel forgiven. They feel right.
I am. I am alone. I am separated. I am judged. I am wrong.
I long. I long for closeness. I long to forget. Forget my plans, my duties. I long to do something once without consideration, without thought, on pure instinct; get drunk and give in to a stranger for a moment of pleasure, moment of closeness, moment of thoughtlessness.
The morning after I will wake up. I will wake up with myself. I will be judged. I will be separated. I will be wrong.
They do. I plan. They feel. I am. They get taken care of. I take care. They live. I long...
One may feel alone when they feel their life has no acomplishments, but what are acomplishments. Acomplishments are tangible experiences that recognize that you have done somthing worth remembering or will be remembered. You have a family and your memmory will certainly go on through time with them. You have made friends who will think of you often, even though they may not act, they think of you. You have put faith in the Idea that all people think of the " Right and Wrong " concepty and etics as you do, not all people have the same standards. You have thoughts that are worth thinking and discussing, you have merits that only others can only think of having or getting. You say that do feel that you have no connection, well you do, you have connection to those that think of you, no matter how often. Granted, I am your husband, and I think of you always, but I am sure that there are others, you are a beautiful person, inside and outside, and even if one person recognizes that, then you have made your mark
ReplyDeleteThank you. I know what you mean. But - I do not feel connected. I feel alone. That's the problem. And I am getting tired of "the right thing" and the thoughts that my memory will go on through someone else; I want to live in a moment, I want to enjoy MY life NOW. I want to KNOW that my friends - besides you - think of me and do not just socialize when it's convenient for them.
ReplyDeleteLove you