Monday, March 1, 2010

New Month - New Week - New Day

For the past month, I have been mostly healing, going to therapy of all sorts, dealing with family crises, and stitching. All sorts of things have been happening - sadness, disagreement, anger, nonsense, violence... Both within - and without - myself and my family. Some things made no sense at all... Anyway, I am starting to ramble without providing anything concrete. But, as George Carlin used to say, it feels like circling the drain. Everything swirls around so fast, and it's all bullshit. And it's bad for ya. :)
Some time last week I had a weird feeling. Suddenly I thought that someone was in my back yard, and that he was going to shoot me - right through the open window, through the screen. It was dark outside, and I did not see or hear anyone - and there was no one there. But the mere possibility of it scared me so that I actually closed the window and moved away from the wall.
Of course, about a minute later my logical self said - you are just freaked out; nobody is there, and living in constant fear that someone is going to do something bad to you is not a way to live at all. And then I thought that, in reality, anyone could hurt me at any moment, rules and laws aside. In my mind there are all these "guarantees" of safety and rights, but all these things in my mind are not real - they are not going to protect me. If some jerk or psycho decides to go out and just kill me - he or she may just succeed, regardless of all the rules.... How do I live with that?
I suppose I will - live with that. It teaches me that I cannot take anything for granted. Ever since the attack I had one reoccurring thought - "My life is not my own." Living on borrowed time? I don't know.
Maybe I am starting to lose my mind. Or maybe I am discovering some new and profound truth about existence, and my mind has trouble dealing with it.
Stitching keeps me busy and freak-out free - at least for the most part. This, together with my cat, gives me the best therapy ever - seriously, better than the real therapist. Somewhere I read the break down of the word "therapist" as "the rapist".... Anyway, Crystal - the cat - sits next to me when I stitch, and once in a while she looks at me and lies down straight on my project. That's her way of saying - enough work, I need attention. pet me. I pull the project out from under her, pet her, and she purrs. Sometimes I hear noises and get worried - but she hears them first, and her ears point up, and she starts surveying the landscape. I feel like she is protecting me from the unknown.
Such a bazzare post... Maybe I am losing my mind.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Katya,

    Sorry to hear that you've had such a terrible results.

    Hope March will be better for you and your family, though I know all of this will take much time.

    In the Light,


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