Saturday, March 7, 2009

Employment/Unemployment thoughts

It has been a while since I could write anything here, mainly because I was so busy working... Well, now work is no longer a problem... that is, yesterday I was fired. What was that phrase they used? Aha: "You are being released." It sounded funny, like they were relieving me from some burden that I no longer had to carry, while in reality they added a new problem and a burden to my life: now I am unemployed...
The whole thing happened so quickly that I was shocked. After the first three words hit - "You are being released" - everything else took a while to process. I remember trying to ask questions - why? what happened? have I done something wrong? I remember the office manager saying "you are not a good fit for this company" - what am I, a dress? - and "unsatisfactory performance on the job." Wait a minute, hold on... I have been with this company, doing this job, for the past eight months. I went from a temporary position to a permanent, and got a raise. Did it really take them that long to figure out that I was not good on my job? Why did they... keep me that long? Why did they not fire me during my probation period? WHO GAVE THEM THE RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE A PIECE OF PROPERTY, SOMETHING TO BE USED AND THROWN AWAY, BECAUSE IT'S "NOT A GOOD FIT"?
I tried to bring up a few points in my defense, but it was obvious that my right to speak was purely symbolic. The decision was already made, and nothing could possibly change it... I felt tears on my face, and I remember being annoyed with it - why did I have to cry in front of them? I could not stop, that's all. I was thinking about having to go out there and to tell my children that I did not have a job any more... And there was that... creature standing in front of me, and right when I drop the pen and turn around to pick it up, she says, "I wish you the best." WHAT?? I wanted to say " save it" or "fuck you," but I caught myself - at least I think I did. Instead, I said something like, "Right," I think. I think my eyes spoke louder and clearer than my voice, because she quickly walked out of the office...

The owner of the company was a bit nicer. She did not seem to know why exactly I was being released - I honestly think it was the manager's decision... Perhaps, the owner was there just to sign the papers and to go over the "legalities..." Well, maybe to be nice. And she was. She said she would give me a letter of recommendation. She said with my skills I could find another job, and that my skills were valuable, just not for this particular job... She said some other things that were meant to be nice and comforting, I suppose, but I do not remember them all... I was thinking about going out to my children and telling them about what happened. I was thinking that this nice old lady could not possibly comprehend my situation. There was nothing more to discuss, really, just the old go-around: "not a good match," does not fit..." When I walked out of there, not feeling my legs, she said - and it sounded sincere,"Good luck to you." I said "thanks" and kept walking, afraid to start bowling right in front of her...

It took me about twenty four hours to start thinking somewhat clearly.... Bottom line, on Monday I am going back to the Agency, and I hope they can find another job for me... I have to go on. I have responsibilities, and those responsibilities need to stay warm, fed, and with roof over their heads and clothes to wear... I just hope that the person who made that decision - who really wanted me gone (and I do not think that the reason they gave me was the real one) - I hope that she gets what she deserves... What goes around, comes around, you know... I wonder how she is going to feel when one day someone wishes her the best - right after sticking the proverbial knife in her back and twisting it in the wound... Will she be able to hold the tears?

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