Where Have I Been?

Hello, dear friends,

Once again, it has been a long time... This time, longer than usual. I bet those of you who still check back here wonder - where is she? Where has she gone?

I have had a lot of changes in my life over the past six months. Back in November, right after my last post here, I started to feel a bit more secure, like my life finally started to stabilize, so I decided to enroll in college. Nothing big, just one class - online, so I could do it on my own schedule. Same day I enrolled, my landlady gave me notice - two months. Two months to find a new place, to pay all the deposits, to move... My sense of stability flew right out of the window, and with it so did all my academic pride. What if I fail the class? What if I get on academic probation? Who cares! I was dealing with real life - and the real problem to be solved was "how not to end up on the street by February."

Rita after her Marimba performance

Frantic online searches, phone calls, appointments to view properties... Several callbacks with "sorry, the place has been rented" and "we'll call you back if anything comes up." Two weeks in, I started to panic: what if there is nothing out there for me? What are my options? What if... - and the endless string of "what ifs" would take over my brain, spinning and swirling were the possibilities of no shelter, no place to stay, and no way out. I was there before - only a year earlier. This time, I tried my best not to think of the "what ifs", but instead make a plan - and follow it. Do a search online - check. Call the places that are renting out - check. Pick up applications - check...Step by step, bullet point by bullet point, I forced myself to focus on what needed to be done  - then, at that moment, and delay the "what ifs" torture until as late as possible in the evening - and by then, it was my hope, I would be too tired to think.

Crystal on the quilt

When I say "there was nothing out there," I mean, of course - nothing within my means. There were plenty of rentals, both apartments and houses  - for someone who could afford $1600 a month as a starting price (utilities not included). I was looking for something a bit -- less. Roommates were not an option, as I quickly learned, -- my post on Roommates.com about "mother with two teenage daughters looking for a roommate to co-rent a 3-bedroom house" did not get any responses. Reaching out to another mother through the online chatroom (with two smaller children), I thought we could help each other: rent a small house - maybe even a 4-bedroom, - my income plus hers... That's what I thought - until I learned that she actually did not have any income. She did not work, - she had to take care of her two toddlers, living the best she could on public assistance. My heart went out to her - I was that mother once; heck, I was still that mother (I used my EBT card at the store much more often than I did my debit card), - but I could not help her. I needed to help myself.

Two and a half weeks into the search, still with no results, I came upon a property in the center of town - for just the amount I was looking for. True, it was only a one bedroom, but it was a house. I called the property manager and left a message.. which was returned with "sorry, it was already rented. We just took it off the site." Usual assurances that they would call me should anything else come up... Right, thank you. I hope to hear from you soon. 
And then I did. Two days after the "sorry" call, the manager called me with news. It's smaller than the one I wanted, it was also only one bedroom, but it's a bit less in price and - well, it just got ready to be shown. A small, old house (a duplex, actually), built in the 50-s... would I be interested to take a look?

Now it's May, and the rose outside my front door is in bloom.

I certainly was interested. We agreed to meet at the address on my next morning off.
When I came to the address, no one was there yet, - I was early. That is the truth of the bus schedules: you are either really early - or really late. So, not to be late, I am usually about 30 minutes early everywhere I go.. I used that time to look around. The small back yard - not much greenery there, but there was a metal shed - storage.. The street was narrow (which I liked), the sun came out - and I saw the neighbors' houses.. I was in the old town - not the fancy part of it with villas and carriage houses - but the working part: small, cozy cottages, trees, gardens - and so much sunlight.. well, at least that day.

Rita
(with the neighborhood in the background).

 Then the bells of the local church started ringing - and I was sold. I knew this was a place for me. So, when the agent showed up to open up the house for me and I saw that it was small, it did not discourage me. I liked the kitchen sink, the walk-in closet, and most of all - the light. It was streaming through all the windows. It occurred to me then that I would probably not need to turn on the lamps until the sun was down. Add the central location - five minutes away from the bus station and the library, ten minutes away from college - and I said yes. The paperwork was filled out. The deposit was agreed on.. For the next few days, I had to wait, until I got the news: yes, the owners agreed. The manager also added: "We want to work with you because you have good credit." Instead of saying "really?" I chose to simply say "Thank you." And made a mental note to check my credit when I had the chance.

The field outside my window. 

And so we are here - since February. The sun is bright (unless it's cloudy or raining), the church bells ring down the street - although, I still have not figured out what they are ringing about; they ring randomly from one to thirty two bells, approximately every half hour. What time is it? I cannot tell, not by the bells. But - the sound is beautiful, and that is what counts.

P.S. If you have read my current rambling all the way to the end - thank you! Next time, I will be talking about more changes - and cross stitch pieces I have finished (or have been trying to) over the past months. If you are not bored - please stop by again... and leave a comment.
Thank you.

Until next time, 

Transformation....

Hello, dear friends,

I am back, even if just for a short time. Life has been very eventful. Even if nothing is going on on the surface, something is always going on - in the background, behind the scenes, or inside me. I guess, that is what happens when you change your life - you start changing, too.

I have been going through some changes. First, the visible ones, I saw in me right away - after all, losing 20 lbs is not easy to ignore. That was exciting - being able to fit into my old clothes, being able to fit into new - smaller -clothes, and not having every dress I put on like a night shirt.

Then, I noticed some changes in my tastes. One day, I realized I did not like coffee. That took me by complete surprise, especially because I love the smell of it - and I like making it, but drinking it suddenly became an unpleasant... task. I still have a cup of coffee here and there, with a neighbor or in company, but  at home I prefer tea (Chai Tea, to be exact - haha..)...

But the most important changes have been going on - of course - on the inside. It seems that my character is changing, and with that - who knows what will come... It is still a work in progress, so I don't even know where my development will lead me, but so far I have noticed that...

1. I have been extremely sensitive to bullshit. 
When I hear someone tell me "I care about you" or "I am there for you," I don't take it with gratitude or thanks, like I used to in the past. I just say, "OK." If that person - or persons - means what she - or he - says, then eventually I will see proof of that in their actions. If not - then they are just words. I don't really have much of a response to them.

2. I don't like people telling me what I should or could do.
 As well-meaning as some people could be, they are not walking in my shoes and cannot know exactly what I am dealing with and going through. So, their friendly suggestions, while smiled at, since unsolicited, are being quietly put in the "discard" pile. There are some exceptions - when I ask for advice and get it, or talk to someone I know has been through something similar, or when I talk to someone I respect. But, these people  are usually not showering me with suggestions. When I see - or hear from - them, each one usually starts with, "How are you doing?" Not with " I have come up with another list of things you should do/change/adjust."
And when someone comments on my qualities - such as my sense of humor, my "serious" approach to life, or anything else they find disagreeable - these people can just... piss off. These are my qualities, my approach, and, ultimately, my character. I don't want to - or have to - change for anyone. And for those who think/say that I should "work on" my sense of humor, I have a direct suggestion - maybe they could mind their own business... or try telling some jokes that are actually funny. Whatever works best.

3. I started liking my alone time. 
I never "disliked" being alone, but in the past something made me feel a bit uncomfortable about it - as if I was missing something, did not connect, or was somehow "not right." I felt "disabled" in some way: everyone can connect, make friends, have a good time - except me. Recently (well not so recently...) Gradually, I came to love being by myself, and with that came the realization that most people are not really having a great time - they are pretending for the sake of company. Someone once told me that most people are afraid of being alone and would do almost anything to not be there; I am not one of those people. I know now that was meant as a compliment. Thank you.

Until next time, 

It was fun while it lasted...

Hello, dear friends,

Well, today came with a blow: I was released from my (semi)-perfect job. Apparently, my multi-tasking skills are not as high as the job requires. Oh well, I tried. I did my best.

I know I should be panicked, shocked, dismayed - but, surprisingly, I am not. At least, not as much as I would expect from myself. Perhaps, it's because I did not have a chance to get "attached" to this job yet, or some other reason, - after I realized that the supervisor's mind was made up, I started feeling better. I thought: perhaps, the purpose of this job was to pay this month's rent, to learn that I was able to function in this type of setting, and - to experience a let go. I have not changed. I am still the same person. So maybe it was not a good fit after all. I have not had a chance to get bored - or tired of - this job. I guess that's a plus.

Finally, my past experience has taught me that, when something drastic happens - whether it's my professional life, or personal one - it always brings new opportunities and changes for the better. Perhaps, this situation means that there is something better out there for me - something that I am better suited for, perhaps.

Life has been a roller coaster these past three months. Everything always changes, nothing stays the same long enough for me to get used to it. Maybe it's Life's way of telling me not to get complacent. Not to get "comfortable." To be ready for new things to come.

I do hope they are good things.

Until next time,

Changes...

      Hello, dear friends,

     Since my last post over a month ago a lot happened, so much that life seemed like a roller coaster at times: up - down - twist- turn - back up again... Some things have been good, some could be considered tragic.
    One of the (major) good things - I've got a job! It has been such a long time since I have worked a proper full time job that I almost did not believe it when the agent called me the day after the interview and announced, " I have good news, they have extended an offer." During the entire first week, I kept pinching myself, checking to make sure I am not dreaming some sort of an extended dream...
    Another good thing is - my job offers many learning opportunities. It deals with many aspects of the industry - from accounting and bookkeeping (that I have some experience in) to trademark research (in which, until now, I had no knowledge whatsoever)... Every day is a new lesson, a new experience, and a new challenge. Am I scared? Not really. I am ready to learn. I feel that I am up to it. Who knows - maybe this is the one, the job that can turn into a career. I am hopeful.

   Another thing (I almost want to say "bad this time", but I honestly am not sure it is) that occurred this year is my separating from my husband. I don't quite know what to say - or write - about it out loud. Deeply covered family secrets came to light, certain truths got uncovered, resulting in a crisis. I felt robbed, deceived, and paralyzed. But, as my good friend said once, crisis is a good thing because it forces you to acknowledge the problem and deal with it. So, I picked myself up by... I don't even know what - and started dealing, and have not stopped since. And - believe it or not - things have been changing - quickly, drastically, from one day, almost from one moment to the next. One moment I was sitting at the Social Services building, applying for emergency help - next thing I know, just several days later, I am talking to a job recruiter at the staffing agency, going to an interview in a business outfit and a new smart jacket, my (newly) typed resume in my hand... and next thing I know - I am working again! Just this January, I was no closer to driving a car than flying to the moon - by the first week in February I was walking out of the DMV with a permit, and by now I have had three driving lessons... Not bad for someone who thought she'd never get behind the wheel.
Finally, I feel better - physically, emotionally, and mentally. No more stressful dinner times, no more thick-cut tension in the air, no more invisible elephants. Things are far from perfect, and there are many problems, but I have always been able to deal with that - or, rather, I have always dealt with problems, whether I felt able to or not. It's just now the additional weight has lifted, somehow the "burden" of adulting has become lighter. Yes, I have problems, but they are my problems; I know what they are and how to deal with them.

   With all the work and all the changes - what about my stitching? I have not been able to stitch quite as much as I would like to, but I did put in a few stitches here and there over the weekend...
    Here is the result of these short and sweet sessions...

Aquarius

Until next time,