Tuesday, May 24, 2016

A Difficult Decision

Hello, dear friends,

I have been working as a cashier at the local 99c Store for three full weeks now... Today,. a call came in from the agency: they have a job opening that I might fit... Full time, pays a lot more than I am making now - and even more than I was paid at my previous job... On the down side - temporary, only for 30 days (or until the project gets done).

I was listening to the agent, thinking of the reasons why this job would be a blessing, why I should at least put my name in - and... I ended up saying no. The voice in my head instantly called me a stupid idiot: "Just take the money, silly creature." But - if I got hired there, the first thing would be telling all these nice people that I have to quit. I would not have this job any more -and (surprisingly) I do like it... Then - for a month (or longer) I would have to stop going to therapy... Finally, for the time of employment with the company I would lose all free time during the week - and possibly some weekends. If they are satisfied with my performance (which is not a guarantee), I will be employed for 30 days - at the end of which, I will be unemployed again. However, because my income would have jumped up, I would lose all the current benefits... just to end up with nothing again in the end (well, not with nothing - with some experience and, hopefully, some savings)...

In the end, I decided that money, however important it is, isn't everything. My current job pays minimum wage, true, but it also has minimum stress, flexible schedule, and pleasant co-workers. It's not much, but it's stable. Stability is what I require now more than anything.

At the end of the conversation, I had a distinct feeling that the agent was surprised at my saying no. But - I need something permanent... in fact, I have already  got it, so quitting it for something short-term is not really a smart choice... right?

Until next time,

Saturday, May 14, 2016


Hello, dear friends,

I am back, even if just for a short time. Life has been very eventful. Even if nothing is going on on the surface, something is always going on - in the background, behind the scenes, or inside me. I guess, that is what happens when you change your life - you start changing, too.

I have been going through some changes. First, the visible ones, I saw in me right away - after all, losing 20 lbs is not easy to ignore. That was exciting - being able to fit into my old clothes, being able to fit into new - smaller -clothes, and not having every dress I put on like a night shirt.

Then, I noticed some changes in my tastes. One day, I realized I did not like coffee. That took me by complete surprise, especially because I love the smell of it - and I like making it, but drinking it suddenly became an unpleasant... task. I still have a cup of coffee here and there, with a neighbor or in company, but  at home I prefer tea (Chai Tea, to be exact - haha..)...

But the most important changes have been going on - of course - on the inside. It seems that my character is changing, and with that - who knows what will come... It is still a work in progress, so I don't even know where my development will lead me, but so far I have noticed that...

1. I have been extremely sensitive to bullshit. 
When I hear someone tell me "I care about you" or "I am there for you," I don't take it with gratitude or thanks, like I used to in the past. I just say, "OK." If that person - or persons - means what she - or he - says, then eventually I will see proof of that in their actions. If not - then they are just words. I don't really have much of a response to them.

2. I don't like people telling me what I should or could do.
 As well-meaning as some people could be, they are not walking in my shoes and cannot know exactly what I am dealing with and going through. So, their friendly suggestions, while smiled at, since unsolicited, are being quietly put in the "discard" pile. There are some exceptions - when I ask for advice and get it, or talk to someone I know has been through something similar, or when I talk to someone I respect. But, these people  are usually not showering me with suggestions. When I see - or hear from - them, each one usually starts with, "How are you doing?" Not with " I have come up with another list of things you should do/change/adjust."
And when someone comments on my qualities - such as my sense of humor, my "serious" approach to life, or anything else they find disagreeable - these people can just... piss off. These are my qualities, my approach, and, ultimately, my character. I don't want to - or have to - change for anyone. And for those who think/say that I should "work on" my sense of humor, I have a direct suggestion - maybe they could mind their own business... or try telling some jokes that are actually funny. Whatever works best.

3. I started liking my alone time. 
I never "disliked" being alone, but in the past something made me feel a bit uncomfortable about it - as if I was missing something, did not connect, or was somehow "not right." I felt "disabled" in some way: everyone can connect, make friends, have a good time - except me. Recently (well not so recently...) Gradually, I came to love being by myself, and with that came the realization that most people are not really having a great time - they are pretending for the sake of company. Someone once told me that most people are afraid of being alone and would do almost anything to not be there; I am not one of those people. I know now that was meant as a compliment. Thank you.

Until next time,