Time to Brag!

Hello again, dear friends!

Remember the stick that I posted a couple of weeks ago - part of BRD ornament? Well, it got stitched into this...

"Silent Night" by Blue Ribbon Designs
stitched on Linen with DMC Floss

I always recognize a BRD pattern by the "signature" trees and branches. It was a pleasure to stitch, with, perhaps, the caption being the most tricky part - one over one, with 2 strands.

Now I will have to mobilize my decor stash to turn it into an actual ornament. I will do it, just don't know when exactly - some time before Christmas.

That concludes the cross stitch bragging.... Now - on to the family!

My dear daughter Vera, who is now 12 and is going to the 8th grade this year, went to Tech Trek Science Camp at University of Santa Barbara last week!

She participated in a competition and was selected to attend the Science Camp on a scholarship: study math and physics, perform hands on experiments, and live like a college student - for a whole week.

About two days before we dropped her off, I asked her if she was excited. She answered, "I guess... I did not realize that I signed myself up for one extra week of school." I could see she was nervous and self-conscious, unsure of how she was going to be accepted. She does not feel "popular" at her regular school, and I could see the old fears creeping in.

Vera and her roommate on the first day

I kept telling Vera (and myself) that this was a new experience, that things were going to be great, that she was going to - finally - find people to connect with. My DH was apprehensive - with teachers and leaders - and students - being entirely girls, a few over eager matrons shot an eagle eye in his direction every time he hugged our daughter. One of them even tried to say he was not allowed to be there - until he said his daughter was there and he just wanted to say good bye before taking off. Generally, my being a woman helped ease the moving around process - no suspicious looks, no restrictions. Finally, we hugged our daughter good bye and drove away - to our own mini vacation.

Six days later, we were there 30 minutes early to pick her up....

Our daughter has transformed. From all the things described above and a couple more - she came to greet us - happy, confident and focused. She did find friends - the whole time we were there, Vera was hugging girls that were running to her, or hugged by girls that she ran to - and we took pictures. She introduced us to them and vise versa, laughed, talked, smiled.... She was in her element. She was among friends.

Vera with a new friend.

For the first time in years, I saw my daughter just as she was - no makeup, no cover up, no glitter - just herself, beautiful and confident. She found her team, her group, of like minded individuals - and they turned out to be - young scientists...just as herself.

Thank you, Tech Trek!

Happy Mother's Day!

While I am not the one to go all warm and fuzzy over the word "mother" - for there are all kinds of mothers out there - I do appreciate my relationship with my daughters... We are not always "pals" or "best friends", but I keep telling them (and more often myself) that I am not their friend, I am their mother. So, if they are upset with me from time to time, it can only mean that I am doing something right. Hopefully, I am, that is...

Which makes moments like this more memorable. Lunch together, talking, laughing, sharing hopes - and plans... Sometimes, just for a short time, it feels nice to be your child's friend.

Vera and Me

Especially knowing that in another five, maybe six years, they will be adults - and will make their own decisions, their choices - and I will not necessarily have the most prominent place in their lives. Now is the time to enjoy it - as much as possible (between battles over homework and chores)... Now is the time for me to recognize Rita's artistic temperament, her talent for drawing - and her sharp, sarcastic sense of humor. As well as - Vera's high intellect, with that deep well of emotions - and ability to understand and explain almost anything to anyone. Life is not easy for singular people. Finding friends, making connections, getting accepted - and, especially, feeling accepted - is difficult for everyone, but it is even more so for people who refuse to pretend. While they are brave enough "to be alone than with whomever", being alone is definitely not their choice - and it's not easy.

Rita and Vera

No matter what happens in the future, I am and always will be proud to be their mother.

Happy Mother's Day!

Get Well Wish

Today, I have been working on a small stitch for a friend. She has been recovering from surgery, and I thought a small Get Well hanging charm would do some good.

I modified the original design by Joan Elliott - some color modification making it smaller for the needed size. The white border ribbon in the corner allows it to be hung in the car - or anywhere, for that matter, as a good luck or healing charm. I hope it works....
On a personal note, I am in need of a Get Well charm of some kind myself... I have had a rough couple of days talking to my... mother. For a very long time, our relationship has been very strained. Recently, I tried to reach out to her - again, but, it seems, in vain. My efforts were not appreciated, my questions not answered. Her exact words were, " If you expect us [your parents] to explain ourselves to you, we do not intend to do so.... If you feel you have been mistreated, it shows there is something wrong with you. If you keep thinking that way and living in the past, seek therapy. "
When I read other people's posts about their mothers, there are words of love, gratitude, kindness. I cannot say that about my mother. Most of my childhood I remember feeling guilty, terrified, or both. Something was always my fault. I was never like "other kids" (now that I think of that, she was never like "other mothers). Occasionally, she bragged to her friends about my grades, but she always added to me it was probably due to private tutors she hired. When I passed the exams to the St. Petersburg University, her reaction was, "Well, at least we did not pay all these teachers in vain." So, maybe it was the act of God - whichever god was watching over me at the time, as well as now, thank you! - that I went abroad, experienced a different life, eventually got married and moved away from my parents - for good. I built my own life, with no help from the family I came from. Whatever hardships I endured, I did not bother my mother with it, and never asked for help. Once, a friend said to me, "Surely, you can ask your mom and dad for assistance if things go bad." I answered, " I'd rather die."
For the past fifteen years, I have tried, the best I could, to try and figure out where I stand with her. I have tried to maintain a connection with her and my father - mostly for the sake of my children, feeling that it would be unfair to cut them off from their grandparents... But, as always with my parents, my best is not good enough. I think it is time to cut the ties, sever the bond... whatever the appropriate metaphor is. I am just so tired of this... whatever it is, it is no longer a relationship. If it is, maybe it's an abusive one.
So, a toast: to the end of a horrible relationship, the first one, the most intimate - and most unrewarding one -  in my entire life....  This is the end. No more.

Stitching and Family Update

Hello, here I am! I know it has been about three months since my last post, but I promise you - I am alive and well.... Busy, tired, often sleep-free, but basically well....
So, what have I been up to these past three months? Let me see.... Mostly stitching! Here are the new things I have stitched - for myself and for my shop...

Looks a bit like mismatched puzzle pieces, doesn't it? That's what my head feels like, too. After several months of order stitching my dreams got filled with cross stitch; my nightmares consist of broken needles and ripped threads; every time I look at anything, I automatically see it as a chart.... 

I had to do something, and I did. I took a couple days off, and I stitched a small piece from Little House Needleworks - her free Christmas pattern. Just what I needed! 

Here it is...

Originally it had more hearts, and the saying said "Happy Hearts", but hearts is not usually my favorite motif, so I changed it a bit... Stitching it felt like drinking hot cocoa - warming, sweet and relaxing. I will make it into an ornament, and next year it will be on our tree.

My Hogwarts Crest and my Mansion  are still in the WIPs pile, to my shame... I will have to leave them for the next "mini-vacation." When is the next.. International Hermit Stitching Day? 

Now, about my family. I am a very proud mother this year, because my daughters - both of them - received medals "For Academic Excellence" at their school... Ironically enough, the day after the ceremony my youngest daughter brought home a note stating that, because she forgot to turn in her homework, her "academic performance may suffer." I thought I'd let this one slide - so she won't be the best of the best, but only the best by a little bit, so what? We can live with that. ))) 

Academic Excellence and Attitude in one great package

Also, this year my youngest daughter turned ten... She wanted to decorate the cake herself, and this is the result. 

Mixture of Picasso's technique with Van Gough's Starry Night.

   All in all, I wish I could spend more time with my daughters. Last year, when we moved to this new bigger house, they convinced me that changing schools would be "very sad and traumatic" - all their friends were at the old one, all their favorite teachers were there. So, I agreed to let them stay for one year - next year Rita is going to Junior High anyway, and Vera can go to the new school as well. Now, with a little over three months of school left, I count the days until I can switch them to something closer. Why? 

   First of all - mornings: they have to get up earlier to get there on time, and often that is... a problem. Did any of you, my friends, tried to get a pre-teen girl out of bed in the morning? Let me tell you - it's not easy... 

   Second - after school time: before we moved, after school my girls went straight home (where else?); now, because we live farther away, they go to their grandmother's - she still lives nearby. Then she drops them off to me in the late afternoon... So, even though I do not work as much as I used to, it still feels a lot like work schedule: not enough time with my kids. It feels even weirder, though, because in the afternoons I am alone in the big house, - the big house that was supposed to be for them.... Yet, they are someplace else. 

   Maybe it's me: my daughters are getting older, they don't "need" me as much, and I am getting older too... I feel less useful sometimes - here I am, out of work, alone at home while everyone else is doing something - working, going to school... But what about me, what am I doing?

   Stitching, that's what! I stitch. I should probably cross stitch the banner for myself - "I STITCH". This is all mine, it is the job I chose and created for myself, nobody can take it away, no one can fire me or lay me off from it. It gives me strength to know that I am working towards something long-term and very real - towards creating my own job, my own business, something that will stay past my "hiring age." 

Happy stitching, my friends! 

First biscornu I ever made - "Snow Queen."
Original design by Lubov Kolpakova

Rancho Vino Event

Last Saturday, Joe and I were at Rancho Vino, at the event that benefited The Children's Miracle Network. I gave my Celtic Lady Summer for the silent auction, and we were invited to attend.
As we were getting ready, I was telling myself how good it was to give to the community, how rewarding it feels to be making a difference, how it takes just one act....but these were just words. It did not feel personal to me, it did not feel like I was making a difference at all. Indeed, "it" felt more like I just purchased the tickets for the evening of entertainment, only instead of cash I gave my Lady. It did not feel personal - until I met Melinda.
Just by accident it happened so that we were sitting at the same table as the Guest Speaker and her family.

Three years ago Melinda was diagnosed with cancer of the blood. She was thirteen. In the following two years, she has gone through treatment that included regular chemotherapy and blood transfusions. Melinda described her journey to recovery in her book "Grace: A Child's Intimate Journey Through Cancer and Recovery."

Now, Melinda is free of the disease. She became a spokesperson for the Children's Miracle Network... She goes to the events and speaks of her experience; Melinda's mother mentioned she was booked till February. Her grandfather said that in two years of treatment his granddaughter matured about 15 years. "These things make you grow up faster," he said...

As I was trying to look at this girl outside of the "cause," I saw - a child. I child who was eager to live, to have fun, to talk, to dance, to fall in love... To partake of all the good things that life has to offer her.  May it be so...

This was the moment when it became personal, and I no longer felt like I "paid my way in" for some food and entertainment. Because if another child like Melinda can make it through, then it is an honor to be of any help.