Christmas Wishes

Hello, dear friends,

For almost a month now, I have been living at my new place. I like it here: it's clean, simple, and quiet. I have access to all the necessities - such as hot shower, kitchen, and laundry facilities - and there is also internet access, but without a computer, it is not much use to me. I look at it as a hidden blessing: no internet - no distractions... It only took me a week and a half to finish a stitching commission once those distractions were eliminated - and that 's saying something in favor of just working and concentrating on the task at hand.

Work is steady, busy - but not overwhelming, and I am grateful for that. I like working, the feeling of being useful, productive, necessary to the process. I like my time off too, though, it gives me a chance to be productive on my own terms, in my own life: moving along with stitching projects, goals, things to be done...

Some time ago, an acquaintance asked me, "So how does it feel to start over at the age of 38?" I thought, "Start over? I am not starting over, I am moving on." Indeed, starting over would have to mean time rolling back, children back in diapers - in need of a sitter on a daily basis, - and me - yes, younger, but also without all the acquired experience of the past 14 years. It is because of life experience that I do not consider these years wasted, and I would not give it up for the place in a younger age bracket.

Today is my day off from work, and I decided to go to the library and write. Except - I forgot to bring my "Stick" drive, so there is no way to save what I would have written - on anything...  Darn you, memory. That's what I get for wanting to try out a new accessory: something crucial is always left behind, in the "old reliable" handbag.

On Friday, my daughter and I went to see "Collateral Beauty." Vera wanted to see it because "Will Smith is awesome" and because of the story. Originally, I voted for "Beasts and Where to Find Them" - to get my "Harry Potter junkie" fix - but "Beauty" in the end was a better choice. In life, when we face the Three Abstractions, we are often too absorbed in the problem to notice when these very Abstractions materialize in front of us and lend a helping hand. When we do notice - and take their advice - life improves... hopefully. In any case, we learn, and, as de Laclos wrote, "education is never a loss."

Christmas is almost here. This year, I am getting my loved ones what they need - and reward myself with the gift of their company. I am looking forward to making the memories, for experiences and memories are the only real things that we possess. In the end, these are the things that make our life richer - and we can take them with us wherever we go. So, this Christmas - and New Year's - I will meet with the people I love. May we come together in the New Year - and may our bond grow stronger with Love and Time, and never be broken - not even in Death.

Until next time,

Happy New Year!

Hello, dear friends,
Traditionally, this time seems to be the period of "coming off" the Christmas shopping craze, drawing year-end conclusions and drawing out goals for the New Year.
For me, this season has been a non-traditional one. For starters, I decided not to put up a tree this year. With Joe working every day  - except Christmas - it seems that, no sooner we get it set up and decorated, it's going to be time to take it down.
Then - presents. Every year I tell myself that I am not going to go crazy shopping for gifts, and yet every time at Christmas I get swept up and carried off into the crazy shopping spree. I don't enjoy the shopping. I feel rushed and over-spent. The crowds of shoppers in every store always make me anxious... As a result, when Christmas morning comes, I feel stressed, spent and tired. I just want it to be over.
This year - non-traditionally - I exercised self-control. Each member of my family got one gift and one gift card. I set limits and I stuck to them. After all, if Christmas is the season of love and giving, then let's finally find out what love and giving is all about - without the heavy gift boxes and the heaps of trashed up wrapping paper to boot!
I am satisfied to conclude that my exercise paid off in spades. For, although we did not have a flashy Christmas - and the kids even mentioned that "it was not a real Christmas this year" - this season was the sanest I have felt in years. Not excited, not exalted, - but calmer than usual, and, above all, sane. Sanity is the best gift I got from the Powers That Be this Christmas (Yule, Solstice) season... and I appreciate it more than it shows on the outside.

"Merry Christmas"
Design by Nancy Turner

With sanity by my side (like a loyal friend and sidekick) I noticed that I do, in fact, have a social life! Letters, Christmas cards - and even one "care envelope" - found their way to my house from friends all over the world.. We have been corresponding through the year(s) - and they have not forgotten me. I was - and still am - overwhelmed with attention. Thank you.... This is the second gift of the season that I am grateful more than I can ever express - connection, not being forgot by my friends...

Here, I have to apologize for my behavior. I myself am lousy at writing Christmas cards - or any other cards, for that matter. All I can say is - thank you, my friends! You made my holiday season complete.

New Year was celebrated in the same spirit as Christmas - no excess. I did not worry about the house being clean, or "special" dishes to cook. There is a belief I was raised with that says the way you meet the New Year is the way you are going to spend it. So, there has to be good food in the house - something everyone likes. Every family member has to have money in their pocket (purse, wallet) - at least one dollar so they don't go into the New Year broke. The trash has to be taken out (well, that was me more than the tradition here), and there has to be good mood, good spirit among family and friends that gather.

All the essentials were taken care of - well, almost all of them... Who would have thought that it's the last and most important ingredient - the good mood and spirit - was the most difficult... Just six hours before midnight, Joe told me that his sister had two heart attacks in one day. She was in the hospital by the time he found out, in stable condition, but the news, of course, shook him up....
It seems like every year, right around Christmas, something bad happened in our family. Year after year, I keep hearing Joe's story about his father dying on Christmas morning - so in part Christmas seemed like a day of mourning to me, rather than celebration. I was respectful. I understood - or at least I thought I did. My own family, the one I came from, lives thousands of miles away, so if anything should happen, I am lucky to find out about it days or sometimes weeks later, by email. Grief is no foreigner to me, either. But I try not to dwell on it. At times I can't help it, and tears come without warning, and I wipe them off, and try to go on with what I am doing. I know that grief has to run its course, and at the end of that course is acceptance, which is necessary for all of us still living to keep living. If I fell down on the floor heartbroken and crying every time I thought of my grandmother who passed away some eight years ago, I would not be able to do anything else but weep. But I don't want to weep. I want to live. I want to feel calm, comfortable, and - what gives? - even happy some day.  I don't get enough of these emotions throughout the year as it is. So, when something bad happened on New Years this time, I... did not want to hear about it. After hearing the facts - heart attack, hospital, stable condition, daughter is with her, and nothing need be done - I wanted to go on with meeting my New Year. Was that selfish of me? Of course it was. But good feelings have been in short supply this past year, and I wanted  - nay, determined to! - meet the New Year as close to happy as possible.

After dinner, a friend stopped by. We drank Martinelli's (the girls and friend), beer (me) and champagne (Joe and me)... We played chess - or,rather, joked around and made faces while moving the pieces around. We laughed and we talked - about everything and about nothing, with no particular topic in mind. Rita, my oldest daughter, made me laugh. She does have sharp sense of humor and a talent for telling stories. She wants to be an actress, but thinks that she's too shy to do it "for reals". I hope she can achieve her dream some day not too long from now. Vera told stories about school, horrible substitutes and detention horrors. She can be very descriptive and insightful. I can see a young writer developing.

Today, thinking about last night's "quiet party" of ours, I feel (once again) tears welling in my eyes. But they are happy tears, brought on by happy memories. And that is the best way to meet the New Year.. so that there will be more to remember in the years to come.

Happy New Year!

Time to Brag!

Hello again, dear friends!

Remember the stick that I posted a couple of weeks ago - part of BRD ornament? Well, it got stitched into this...

"Silent Night" by Blue Ribbon Designs
stitched on Linen with DMC Floss

I always recognize a BRD pattern by the "signature" trees and branches. It was a pleasure to stitch, with, perhaps, the caption being the most tricky part - one over one, with 2 strands.

Now I will have to mobilize my decor stash to turn it into an actual ornament. I will do it, just don't know when exactly - some time before Christmas.

That concludes the cross stitch bragging.... Now - on to the family!

My dear daughter Vera, who is now 12 and is going to the 8th grade this year, went to Tech Trek Science Camp at University of Santa Barbara last week!

She participated in a competition and was selected to attend the Science Camp on a scholarship: study math and physics, perform hands on experiments, and live like a college student - for a whole week.

About two days before we dropped her off, I asked her if she was excited. She answered, "I guess... I did not realize that I signed myself up for one extra week of school." I could see she was nervous and self-conscious, unsure of how she was going to be accepted. She does not feel "popular" at her regular school, and I could see the old fears creeping in.

Vera and her roommate on the first day

I kept telling Vera (and myself) that this was a new experience, that things were going to be great, that she was going to - finally - find people to connect with. My DH was apprehensive - with teachers and leaders - and students - being entirely girls, a few over eager matrons shot an eagle eye in his direction every time he hugged our daughter. One of them even tried to say he was not allowed to be there - until he said his daughter was there and he just wanted to say good bye before taking off. Generally, my being a woman helped ease the moving around process - no suspicious looks, no restrictions. Finally, we hugged our daughter good bye and drove away - to our own mini vacation.

Six days later, we were there 30 minutes early to pick her up....

Our daughter has transformed. From all the things described above and a couple more - she came to greet us - happy, confident and focused. She did find friends - the whole time we were there, Vera was hugging girls that were running to her, or hugged by girls that she ran to - and we took pictures. She introduced us to them and vise versa, laughed, talked, smiled.... She was in her element. She was among friends.

Vera with a new friend.

For the first time in years, I saw my daughter just as she was - no makeup, no cover up, no glitter - just herself, beautiful and confident. She found her team, her group, of like minded individuals - and they turned out to be - young scientists...just as herself.

Thank you, Tech Trek!

An Online Diary?

Hello, dear friends,

  This morning, I have been trying out new templates and fonts for my blog. The idea behind all the changes is to make it look like a diary, as handwritten looking as possible....

   After messing around with (both) my blogs I discovered that the Russian one does not "accept" certain font changes! No curly Q's for me in Russian. Meh...

  Meanwhile, my daughter's birthday celebrations are continuing... Tonight, we are having a sleepover for a few of her friends. I am still not used to the whole sleepover party concept, for I grew up believing that the only people you can sleep over at are family. But - times are changing, and we have to change with times. Cliche? Cliche...

  This is my daughter Rita, trying to pose for the camera and getting distracted by our cat who is, in turn, trying to get her attention...

This is our cat, Dusty, slightly disgruntled, because his efforts did not lead to success, - knocking over cans of food and mewing loudly did not lead to him being picked up or fed - at least not immediately...

  This is Rita with Dusty... Looks like he is not getting the type of attention he wanted.

... and this is Rita with her stitched present. I am happy to say that she did like it. It is now hanging on the wall in her room. I do hope she keeps it - forever and ever..

Thank you for reading my ramblings...

Until next time,

A Happy Birthday And A New Finish

Hello, my dear friends!
Today is my daughter Rita's birthday. She has turned 14 years old. For  the past six years or so, every time it comes to one of the kids' birthdays, I always have to check and pinch myself: really? They are - how old?
For the past couple of days,  I have been busy - ordering the cake, organizing dinner plans, buying birthday gifts, and - stitching. Now the cake is in the refrigerator, the dinner plans are made, and all we need is for the birthday girl to come home from school. As for the stitching - this is what I have been stitching all the way until last night.

"Gemini" by Julie Hasler
Stitched on 14 ct Navy Blue Aida 

I own a whole book of patterns by Julie Hasler, called "Fantasy Cross Stitch. " I bought it, I looked through it, and I decided to stitch a Zodiac pattern for every one of my kids - five of them, - and also one for myself and my husband. That was...let's see.. about ten years ago. Every year I want to, and every year something comes up: work, life, other stuff... This year, finally, I stitched one! "Gemini" - for my daughter Rita.

After big projects, it did not look like much work - indeed, it only took about 2 weeks of very relaxed, "free time" stitching. Yet, the color changes and the details do require a lot of attention... it seems like, just as I set myself to stitch on one color, it was time to switch it to another and re-thread the needle....
Originally, I got one of these brass/gold looking hoops to mount it on, but then decided instead on a simple wooden hoop. Decorated it with rickrack ribbon from Nancy Turner's collection, and put a red flower bead on the top.

Gemini Close Up

Tonight, we are having a quiet family celebration - talking, eating cake (and sushi), and spending time together. All the noise - friends, guests, sleepovers - are still ahead, this weekend...

Several hours later - here's the cake...

The petit fours...

And the complete ensemble! 

Thank you for reading my ramblings, friends! 

Until next time,

Our Home

With a few days break, I had a chance to do some stitching for myself.
Here it is...

After the weekend.

I call it "The Little Crooked House." It was not meant to be crooked, but - it turned out that way. Since this project is all for me - and my family - I try not to fret over it too much. I like it... That's all that matters.

In other matters, my life has been - unchanged. We started to plan a short vacation - just to get away for a few days, nothing major - but financial circumstances changed (as they always do)- and with that our plans went up in smoke. I was looking forward to this break, so I can't pretend I am not disappointed.

I did go to the theater (a real theater) twice over the past few months. First time, back in January, a friend invited me to go see a surreal, bit "Twilight Zone", bit "detective" story. It was good and thought provoking. The second time, just last Friday, I invited a different friend to a play "The Penelopiad" - the events of Trojan War through the eyes of Penelope, Odysseus's abandoned wife. 

While he - the hero - goes around the world, saves women, gains fame and fortune, she is left to care for their son, rule the island, run the house - and, at the same time, be invisible. For twenty years, she has been waiting for a happy ending - for her husband's safe return, for love, for recognition. But, in the end there was no reward. The hero came back, slayed the suitors - and her favorite maids, for good measure. Not quite a happy ending we were hoping for...

Until next time - happy stitching! 

Get Well Wish

Today, I have been working on a small stitch for a friend. She has been recovering from surgery, and I thought a small Get Well hanging charm would do some good.

I modified the original design by Joan Elliott - some color modification making it smaller for the needed size. The white border ribbon in the corner allows it to be hung in the car - or anywhere, for that matter, as a good luck or healing charm. I hope it works....
On a personal note, I am in need of a Get Well charm of some kind myself... I have had a rough couple of days talking to my... mother. For a very long time, our relationship has been very strained. Recently, I tried to reach out to her - again, but, it seems, in vain. My efforts were not appreciated, my questions not answered. Her exact words were, " If you expect us [your parents] to explain ourselves to you, we do not intend to do so.... If you feel you have been mistreated, it shows there is something wrong with you. If you keep thinking that way and living in the past, seek therapy. "
When I read other people's posts about their mothers, there are words of love, gratitude, kindness. I cannot say that about my mother. Most of my childhood I remember feeling guilty, terrified, or both. Something was always my fault. I was never like "other kids" (now that I think of that, she was never like "other mothers). Occasionally, she bragged to her friends about my grades, but she always added to me it was probably due to private tutors she hired. When I passed the exams to the St. Petersburg University, her reaction was, "Well, at least we did not pay all these teachers in vain." So, maybe it was the act of God - whichever god was watching over me at the time, as well as now, thank you! - that I went abroad, experienced a different life, eventually got married and moved away from my parents - for good. I built my own life, with no help from the family I came from. Whatever hardships I endured, I did not bother my mother with it, and never asked for help. Once, a friend said to me, "Surely, you can ask your mom and dad for assistance if things go bad." I answered, " I'd rather die."
For the past fifteen years, I have tried, the best I could, to try and figure out where I stand with her. I have tried to maintain a connection with her and my father - mostly for the sake of my children, feeling that it would be unfair to cut them off from their grandparents... But, as always with my parents, my best is not good enough. I think it is time to cut the ties, sever the bond... whatever the appropriate metaphor is. I am just so tired of this... whatever it is, it is no longer a relationship. If it is, maybe it's an abusive one.
So, a toast: to the end of a horrible relationship, the first one, the most intimate - and most unrewarding one -  in my entire life....  This is the end. No more.

Child Raring and Stitches

The school year has officially started, which means - children walking around like zombies every morning and me trying to get them into semi-conscious state by various means, so they can make it to school on time. Yesterday, feeling somewhat panicked and insecure about my kids running late, I posted a line on Facebook, asking parents for advice, " What do you do to get your kids up for school on time?" By that evening, I had a few very useful tips. Many of them - like setting bedtimes, getting everything ready for the morning the night before, etc., I was already using. Then came an interesting comment, "You've got to give something to get something", followed by a very detailed plan of rewards for my children, based on how often they get up on time, complete with the star chart suggestions...
Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the tips. I just don't know if rewarding children with treats for something they should be doing anyway is a good plan of action, - it seems to me a bit misleading. It is as if I need them to get up on time, where in reality they have to do it so they don't get in trouble at school; you know? Well, maybe it is a good plan for a kindergarten or a first grade student. Not for a teen. So.... that afternoon I sat everybody down and had a family announcement. I expressed to my older daughter that, as of next morning, she has to be dressed and ready to leave for school by 7:55 am (actually it's 8 am, but I thought I would cut the deadline a bit shorter just in case). If she is not ready, then her dad and her sister are going without her, and it is up to her to find a ride to school.
She listened, then we talked. She has been having trouble with her math class, and every night she has to stay up later and later to finish her homework. She has been tired more than usual. She wanted me to make sure that I see her wake up, because often, she said, she did not even hear me waking them up in the morning.
Today I woke both my daughters up at regular time; they got ready, got dressed, got breakfast and were ready for school - believe it or not - 30 minutes before the deadline! Both of them made it to school on time. No stars, no charts. Just letting them face their responsibilities.
Again, I want to stress this point - even it is no more than a personal belief: rewarding children for something that should be their responsibility is not a good practice, because it turns their duty into a game. In real life nobody is going to reward them for washing their ears, doing chores or getting up to the alarm clock. They will be - in fact, they already are - expected to do that anyway.
And that is my rambling and raving on the child raring question. Thank you for your patience. :)

Now on a more exciting subject, - stitching. I have stitched a bit more on Hogwarts Crest.

Hogwarts Crest progress - 09/17/2013

As you can see, the armor leaves on the right side are completely formed and just need to be filled in. I had to frog some stitching out in the process because of the miscount and redo a large portion of it; in fact, I still suspect that there may be a mistake or two in my stitchery. But - I am doing it for myself, so I resolved to leaving it as is. Can you see anything wrong with it? :) So far, I can't. And if it is not broken... it will be later, just give it time. :)
I also went to Jo-Ann's for some Christmas fabric - to finally finish up the Christmas ornaments I stitched in the beginning of summer. Here is what I picked up.

Christmas Fabric for the Ornaments

For  the most part, I think they will match well.. There is only one ornament that did not get the backing fabric. Remember my snowman with the snowflake?

Snowman

I will need to find something different for him - something white or silvery or light green and blue with snowflakes for the pattern. None of the patterns I picked up matched him. He is a very particular character.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Now I am off to stitch... And happy stitching to you!

Stitching and Family Update

Hello, here I am! I know it has been about three months since my last post, but I promise you - I am alive and well.... Busy, tired, often sleep-free, but basically well....
So, what have I been up to these past three months? Let me see.... Mostly stitching! Here are the new things I have stitched - for myself and for my shop...

Looks a bit like mismatched puzzle pieces, doesn't it? That's what my head feels like, too. After several months of order stitching my dreams got filled with cross stitch; my nightmares consist of broken needles and ripped threads; every time I look at anything, I automatically see it as a chart.... 

I had to do something, and I did. I took a couple days off, and I stitched a small piece from Little House Needleworks - her free Christmas pattern. Just what I needed! 

Here it is...

Originally it had more hearts, and the saying said "Happy Hearts", but hearts is not usually my favorite motif, so I changed it a bit... Stitching it felt like drinking hot cocoa - warming, sweet and relaxing. I will make it into an ornament, and next year it will be on our tree.

My Hogwarts Crest and my Mansion  are still in the WIPs pile, to my shame... I will have to leave them for the next "mini-vacation." When is the next.. International Hermit Stitching Day? 

Now, about my family. I am a very proud mother this year, because my daughters - both of them - received medals "For Academic Excellence" at their school... Ironically enough, the day after the ceremony my youngest daughter brought home a note stating that, because she forgot to turn in her homework, her "academic performance may suffer." I thought I'd let this one slide - so she won't be the best of the best, but only the best by a little bit, so what? We can live with that. ))) 

Academic Excellence and Attitude in one great package

Also, this year my youngest daughter turned ten... She wanted to decorate the cake herself, and this is the result. 

Mixture of Picasso's technique with Van Gough's Starry Night.

   All in all, I wish I could spend more time with my daughters. Last year, when we moved to this new bigger house, they convinced me that changing schools would be "very sad and traumatic" - all their friends were at the old one, all their favorite teachers were there. So, I agreed to let them stay for one year - next year Rita is going to Junior High anyway, and Vera can go to the new school as well. Now, with a little over three months of school left, I count the days until I can switch them to something closer. Why? 

   First of all - mornings: they have to get up earlier to get there on time, and often that is... a problem. Did any of you, my friends, tried to get a pre-teen girl out of bed in the morning? Let me tell you - it's not easy... 

   Second - after school time: before we moved, after school my girls went straight home (where else?); now, because we live farther away, they go to their grandmother's - she still lives nearby. Then she drops them off to me in the late afternoon... So, even though I do not work as much as I used to, it still feels a lot like work schedule: not enough time with my kids. It feels even weirder, though, because in the afternoons I am alone in the big house, - the big house that was supposed to be for them.... Yet, they are someplace else. 

   Maybe it's me: my daughters are getting older, they don't "need" me as much, and I am getting older too... I feel less useful sometimes - here I am, out of work, alone at home while everyone else is doing something - working, going to school... But what about me, what am I doing?

   Stitching, that's what! I stitch. I should probably cross stitch the banner for myself - "I STITCH". This is all mine, it is the job I chose and created for myself, nobody can take it away, no one can fire me or lay me off from it. It gives me strength to know that I am working towards something long-term and very real - towards creating my own job, my own business, something that will stay past my "hiring age." 

Happy stitching, my friends! 

First biscornu I ever made - "Snow Queen."
Original design by Lubov Kolpakova

Crazy Week!

Thank god it's a new week! Maybe it will be better than the last.
First, my niece had pregnancy complications. She went for her sonogram and found out that the baby developed a brain tumor - within the past two weeks. She went for the emergency C-section, and the baby did not make it. Over 90 percent of her brain was taken up by the tumor.
The whole family is devastated, everyone is on edge. My niece is still in the hospital... dealing with everything.
              My DH has been really down and stressed through this. Finally, Friday we seemed to be doing better. Our friends, another family, invited us for a potluck party: good food, good talk, games for children and adults...
             We just started to relax, feeling this week may not be a disaster yet, when I heard a yelp, a cry and someone saying, "Rita got bitten." I got up and went to my daughter. She was holding a napkin to her face, and blood was streaming from under it, on her shoe and on the floor. A dog of our hosts', a Chihuahua, bit her on the lip.
The next half hour went by very fast: a trip to the Emergency Room, running in, getting admitted... I had trouble spelling things out on forms, and every time they gave me another form to fill out, I stared at the admitting person and said, "My daughter is bleeding, can you help her? We can sort out the dates and names later." Thankfully, my DH was able to take over the forms, and I could stay by my daughter. 
              Finally,  things were filled out, my daughter was admitted. The doctor had to put in a total of nine stitches, prescribed an antibiotic. Overall, he said that in about three years, no one will know my daughter had this accident. There should not be a scar left (to Rita's slight disappointment - she was hoping for a small scar "so she could tell the story to her grand kids.")
             By the time we got home from the hospital, it was past two o'clock in the morning. Saturday was taken up by sleeping, taking the medications and adjusting Rita to her new diet - yogurt and pudding (soft foods only). Today, she was ready to go back to school. I packed her a yogurt for lunch, since she won't be able to eat cafeteria food...
             I really hope that this week will be better!  Wish us luck!

About a lady who did not want to go to the ball

Once there was a lady who was invited to attend a ball. Her daughter was turning 16, and the ball was her coming-out party.
The lady was very happy and proud for her daughter. Indeed, the girl was beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken, polite and respectful -- what else was there to wish for?
So, the lady started to get ready for the ball. She wanted to look good on her daughter's special day. But the lady could not help feeling sad, for no matter what she did, what makeup cream or powder she used, or how well she dressed, she could not feel beautiful. All the makeup and powder, instead of making her prettier, just reminded her of her age and made her face look shiny.

Just then the daughter came into her mother's dressing room. She did not need to dress up - or powder up - to look pretty. The lady was reminded of the time - not so long ago, it seemed - when she was young and beautiful. Not any more...

And so the lady made a decision. "I am too old for these wild parties," she said. "Let your father take you, and I shall stay home." - "But I want you to come," protested the daughter. " I want you to be there for me."
Then, the lady took out a cameo brooch.

 " Put it on your dress, " she said. "That way, I will always be with you, and you will always remember what you will become, and we'll be inseparable. "
The daughter put on the present and went to the ball...
However, it did not turn out quite as expected..... 

Gifts of Depression

My therapist says I ought to "get out there" and meet people, put myself in the situation where contact with others  would be possible. Then, she says, I give myself a chance to meet the ones I might like, and then - who knows? - I just might find friends.
I thought about her suggestion long and hard, and instead locked myself inside. Contact with others, conversations - all this seems fairly pointless. I have come to the conclusion that I do not like most people, and contact is often painful. Not because they say mean things or intend to hurt me, mind you. It is just so painfully obvious that they don't care.
While inside, I did not waste time, though. I learned how to crochet afghan blankets - and made two for my daughters. I also made a basket of biscornu to go with it. So, here are my Gifts of Depression.
Enjoy!

I liked working on the patterns, crocheting - with its repetitive design - seems to be therapy in itself.

Have a good time, everyone, and don't let your depression and stress go to waste. As Christopher Titus said in his latest album "Neverlution", stressing and worrying is NORMAL. Worrying about rent getting paid is HOW RENT GETS PAID.
And after paying rent - get creative to commemorate the occasion. And these will be the gifts - of depression.

Racism and Loneliness

Well, as if I have not had enough crap happen to me, yesterday another thing resurfaced... How would I put it delicately? ah, fuck it - there is no way to put it any other way: my husband's sisters are racists. The younger one has been easy to understand: she disapproved of me from the start. When the tensions finally mounted to the breaking point, she called and left messages on the phone cursing and swearing about her brother accepting " the white bitch that walked into his life" and "forgetting of who he is" and "forgetting that he was a black man." I remember sitting in the living room alone with my 3 week old daughter and having to listen to every message - I did not want to pick up the phone....
After many calls and screams and yells between Joe and his sisters he assured me that "this was not going to happen again". I was not sure how he was going to guarantee that, but I wanted to believe him. On my part, I did the only thing that seemed reasonable - I isolated myself from that woman and her attitudes. I made it known that she was not welcome in my home, and I did not want to expose my children to that kind of attitude ( yes, I specified my children - Joe felt that Mike and Alex should not stop seeing their aunts).
The older sister, who calls herself an artist, was not as abrupt. In the end, though, she turned out to be just as strongly opinionated as the other one. That one hurt more, because her poison was slow and almost untraceable: no, she did not mean to be this or that, but this family is just so special and it has so many things going on and you just have to be one special person to understand its dynamics. No, it's no disrespect meant, but this is a family matter, and I should not be involved. Oh, I should really keep my opinion to myself. Ah, I really do not understand my stepsons - after all, let's name it loud and clear - they are African American, American Indian (the tribes were mentioned - every time in particular order), German, Jewish, and - at the end - Caucasian. It was stated to me - ever so subtly - that I simply was not capable to understand. Why, and who would? A black person would - because of that person's culture... For a second I actually regretted not being black - then - wait a goddamn minute!!! Since when did the skin color was an indication of ability to understand a new, different culture? I never fully voiced my opinion - not that I did not try, but I was always shut up in the process - but I ended up never being comfortable around my "ever so cultural" sister-in-law. Especially when she yelled at me at the top of her lungs for trying to breastfeed my baby in the room with her artwork - I was "being disrespectful and insulting" to her masterpieces by taking care of my daughter's basic need. Her accusation seemed even more awkward because we were surrounded by paintings and statues representing family, and preceded by a lecture on family values. So -real family live dynamics are offensive to the family art? Suddenly all her words, all her works turned into idols - ugly and lifeless representations of her self-importance, nothing more. From that moment on, I was doubting whether she was a real artist - perhaps, I thought, a mere craftswoman who knew techniques well, nothing more. Was there soul in her work? Where?
The conflict finale took place yesterday. After my "incident" of injury - another lovely way to avoid calling it what it is - an attempt on my life - Joe and I had to go to court. The "artist" sister wanted to come too - "for support," as she said. Some support it was. After we left the room (another continuance, nothing new) she started shooting out questions: did you talk to the attorney? Can Alex be released? You need to find out what can be done - Alex is part Native American, so "they" can't even judge him by American laws - he'd have to go before the Tribal Council. When I tried to answer, she waved her hand and said sharply, " I am not talking to you, I am talking to my brother!"
Excuse me???? excuse the FUCK out of me!!!!! I AM HERE TOO!!! that's what I wanted to say, but instead - I lost my breath and could only say "Excuse me?"
She says - "Get out of my face!"
For several seconds I felt like I could not breathe. Joe was saying something about respect- disrespect and how I was to be respected and how she did not have the right to treat me like that... it was obvious to me that she couldn't care less. I turned around and walked away. And Joe stayed - perhaps, to explain to her the error of her ways...
Finally I walked far enough and started to be able to breathe again. I collected my thoughts... What to do, what to do? I wanted to go home. I turned around and walked back - Joe was still talking, and she was still talking over him. None of them turned to me - I did not exist to them... At least that was how it felt. I am really becoming more and more familiar with that feeling...
Finally, I said, "Joe, I need to talk to you - separately." Joe pulled himself away from his sister, and I said, " I need you to take me home - now. If you want to talk to her about this, please do it later." Joe said his quick good byes and took me to the coffee shop - to get over the shock.
Yes, he said all the right things. He said that he was "on my side," that she was wrong, and I was right, and this was "never going to happen again." And then - he walked out of the shop and called his sister on the cell phone. And I was left alone to deal with my feelings...
She said to Joe that "perhaps I would be more comfortable around people of Caucasian descent." I never heard anything more ridiculous...
Again, just like seven years ago, I had to make the decision. All this time they said I was part of their family... or not... I decided - I don't want racists in my family, and I do not have to accept their deformed views!
Of course, Joe keeps telling me he loves me. he says... many things, and they are all the right things. But it's all in the details. while he "explains the error of her ways" to his sister, he actually talks to her, while I stay alone.
I feel alone. Sometimes I want to disconnect the phone - no one calls anyway, except bill collectors. Except my children, I have no one. I do not feel loved. I do not feel protected. I do not feel anything but pain and disappointment. Sometimes I do not want to feel any more.

Death in the family

Yesterday our nephew Nolan passed away from cancer. He was younger than me, and he had a family - a wife and a three year old son.
I have never met Nolan, so my grief comes from seeing Joseph grieve. Even though we knew about Nolan's diagnosis, his death came as a shock to us - somehow it seemed that "the end" was going to happen much later, after he has completed everything he wanted to complete in this world.
Friday Joseph is flying out to New York to see family and to say good bye to his nephew. What a sad event to finish the old year with...

The Matriarch of the Family

For the past week, my husband has been at a job conference out of state, so for five days I was the sole ruler, the enforcer and the commander, over our four children. Before Joe left, we all sat down and had an agreement. The kids promised to try to limit their fights and outbreaks of disobedience to a minimum, and complete their homework and chores daily. In return, I promised to do my best not to make their lives more difficult than necessary. I promised to be although strict, but just and merciful.
Amazingly, I have not had to raise my voice once during the entire five days. Alex, our oldest, had to come home from school on a bus and manage himself for a couple of hours until I got home from work. He completed his homework every day, several times did the dishes, and did not argue with me once! I was ready to ask him - "Who are you and what have you done with my son?"
The girls also managed themselves fairly well - homework, schoolwork, no fights or yelling. The youngest, Vera, though, had a daily cry about missing daddy and trying to get out of going to school until he comes back. Every time I had to explain to her that, whether daddy is here or not, she still has to go to school, because I simply won't be home. I had to go to work.
Gustav, my 11-year-old, stayed consistent and true to himself. In addition to being grumpy and sullen, he also developed a cold, which made him look more miserable than usual. Well, the cold part was being taken care of by the cold medicine. So, generally he was himself - no changes.
This five -day experience has taught me some lessons. First, if you want your children to hear you and respond consciously to your questions, the TV has to be off at all times. TV turns children into zombies.
Second, giving children options is a good thing, but those options have to be clear, concise and precise. "Your choices are - either this or that. Pick and choose." No monologues about past experiences and world philosophy. It only gets them distracted. Besides, most of the time they have something to say, so I often had to explain my point. I made myself talk for no longer than five minutes at a time on these explanations.
Finally, it made me open to suggestions. Open, though, does not mean letting the children run with it and see what happens. Trial and error is not my approach, at least not at the moment. I had very limited time every day to get everything done, so I left the power to allow implementation of new things with myself.
Overall, I believe my matriarchal period was a success. Well, I suppose the next step from running the family is running the country :) But that I am planning to leave for later. For now, I have to get back to my stitching projects and actually complete some of them. My UFOs list is growing.

Happily Ever After?

What are some common things between all fairy tales in the world? Every tale has a prince and a princess that are in love with each other. Every tale describes the trials and tribulations the characters go through to be together.
There is one common thing that all fairy tales do not do, however: they never describe the lives of the heroes after the wedding. Once the Prince Charming and the Beautiful Princess - whatever their names - overcome the hindrances that stand in the way of their togetherness, it is assumed that all their troubles are over, and the story ends with them living "happily ever after."

Yet, it is the "happily ever after" period that always interested me. What happened to Cinderella after she became the wife of the Prince? Was Belle happy at the castle with the Beast? Whatever happened to Snow White after her Hero took her away from the cottage of the Seven Dwarfs?

Personally, I always had doubts about the happiness of the last couple. Perhaps, it was the Disney depiction of Snow White's character that made me unsure about the possibility of that woman's marital bliss. Maybe it was her voice. Somehow, I always pictured the Prince waking up one morning, getting dressed and ready to go about his day - when he would hear the high-pitched, unnatural voice of his beloved: "Uh-uh-uh! You have not brushed your teeth!" This is the moment when, in my mind, the prince would smile that gentle smile, walk back into the palace and hack his beloved Princess into pieces with a butcher cleaver. Or, perhaps, to be true to the story, he would use the poison apple - the last gift of his Mother-in-Law.

Another couple whose happiness seemed unlikely to me was the Sleeping Beauty and her prince. Beauty's curse could only be broken by true Love's first kiss - true Love of the Prince, that is. I imagine the Princess waking up after one hundred years of slumber to the man she is to marry. He is in love with her... but she does not know him. She has never seen him before; to her, he is a total stranger... HIS true love is there, but what about HERS? What if, altogether, the Prince that is to wake her up from the curse is not the same one that SHE is to fall in love with? If so, then the blessing of the Fairies turned out to be a curse in its own way, and a more potent than the original one, its side effect being a lifetime of misery.

Family celebrations

Today is my youngest daughter's birthday, she turned five years old. In celebration of this significant event, we decided to go to Solvang. Solvang is a touristy place that started as a Danish village. We were planning to leave the house by about noon, then spend three or so hours there, and then come back into town for the pizza party. However, we got held up, because we were helping one of our good friends, and we ended up leaving just after one o'clock....
We stopped at the coffee shop, and then walked around town. This place is bright and colorful, it's designed to look like an Old Town, with all kinds of bakeries, restaurants, craft, linen, and toy shops. My daughter picked out her present - a Pink Panther doll, - while I stood drooling over Madame Alexander Wizard of Oz collection. Some day, when I retire and have a lot of money (dream on), I will have a doll collection like that... May be... or not. In fact, I wondered what it would be like to live in the town like Solvang - full time?
First of all, this town is pretty expensive: a cup of coffee - just a regular joe - is 2 to 3 dollars. So, obviously, one would have to have plenty of money to enjoy the perks of the place. But then - what are the perks?
Sure, there are some nice restaurants on the strip, they all look like pictures from Andersen's storybook. Not all of them taste authentic, however, - their Liverwurst may have been purchased from the local Safeway/Vons store... We don't know for sure. Then, there are all of 50 stores - maximum - on the strip - and half of them are gift shops. I personally would get tired of looking at fancy "gift" things with no particular purpose if I had to do it every day. And finally, I think I would get tired of the concept of the land "where every day is a holiday." Too bright. Too shiny. Too shallow.
It was a holiday trip for my daughter, though, and she enjoyed it; that was all that mattered. In the long run, however, I was happy to get home - to the land of "every day is a work day, and sometimes you get a break."