Update

Hello, everyone who cares,
For a while, I did not want to write anything, because there was nothing good to write - or, at least, nothing good enough to bother opening the web page. Our computer is very slow, and it takes nearly ten minutes just to open the Internet Explorer, so by the time I log in to the site, my motivation to write anything is often gone.
Today I have a piece of news good enough for posting: Community Action Commission hired me for a position of a substitute teacher! Plain English - I will be a pre-school teacher at Head Start in Santa Maria area, substituting for teachers that are sick or on vacation. Apparently, Santa Maria has around 18 locations (I was surprised), so the work will be coming soon. Also, the Head Start will be working with my schedule, and I get to choose which assignments to take and what schedule to work.
Although the potential to make money and work my own hours is exciting, the main reason I feel good is because I finally get to do something I have had training for, something professionally sound. The flexible schedule and the potential to advance are nice perks, but it will give me a chance to determine whether I am made for this work before I commit to a full-time shedule.
In addition, I submitted my poems and short story to "Harvest" - Allan Hancock literary journal. We'll see what happens...

Employment/Unemployment thoughts

It has been a while since I could write anything here, mainly because I was so busy working... Well, now work is no longer a problem... that is, yesterday I was fired. What was that phrase they used? Aha: "You are being released." It sounded funny, like they were relieving me from some burden that I no longer had to carry, while in reality they added a new problem and a burden to my life: now I am unemployed...
The whole thing happened so quickly that I was shocked. After the first three words hit - "You are being released" - everything else took a while to process. I remember trying to ask questions - why? what happened? have I done something wrong? I remember the office manager saying "you are not a good fit for this company" - what am I, a dress? - and "unsatisfactory performance on the job." Wait a minute, hold on... I have been with this company, doing this job, for the past eight months. I went from a temporary position to a permanent, and got a raise. Did it really take them that long to figure out that I was not good on my job? Why did they... keep me that long? Why did they not fire me during my probation period? WHO GAVE THEM THE RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE A PIECE OF PROPERTY, SOMETHING TO BE USED AND THROWN AWAY, BECAUSE IT'S "NOT A GOOD FIT"?
I tried to bring up a few points in my defense, but it was obvious that my right to speak was purely symbolic. The decision was already made, and nothing could possibly change it... I felt tears on my face, and I remember being annoyed with it - why did I have to cry in front of them? I could not stop, that's all. I was thinking about having to go out there and to tell my children that I did not have a job any more... And there was that... creature standing in front of me, and right when I drop the pen and turn around to pick it up, she says, "I wish you the best." WHAT?? I wanted to say " save it" or "fuck you," but I caught myself - at least I think I did. Instead, I said something like, "Right," I think. I think my eyes spoke louder and clearer than my voice, because she quickly walked out of the office...

The owner of the company was a bit nicer. She did not seem to know why exactly I was being released - I honestly think it was the manager's decision... Perhaps, the owner was there just to sign the papers and to go over the "legalities..." Well, maybe to be nice. And she was. She said she would give me a letter of recommendation. She said with my skills I could find another job, and that my skills were valuable, just not for this particular job... She said some other things that were meant to be nice and comforting, I suppose, but I do not remember them all... I was thinking about going out to my children and telling them about what happened. I was thinking that this nice old lady could not possibly comprehend my situation. There was nothing more to discuss, really, just the old go-around: "not a good match," does not fit..." When I walked out of there, not feeling my legs, she said - and it sounded sincere,"Good luck to you." I said "thanks" and kept walking, afraid to start bowling right in front of her...

It took me about twenty four hours to start thinking somewhat clearly.... Bottom line, on Monday I am going back to the Agency, and I hope they can find another job for me... I have to go on. I have responsibilities, and those responsibilities need to stay warm, fed, and with roof over their heads and clothes to wear... I just hope that the person who made that decision - who really wanted me gone (and I do not think that the reason they gave me was the real one) - I hope that she gets what she deserves... What goes around, comes around, you know... I wonder how she is going to feel when one day someone wishes her the best - right after sticking the proverbial knife in her back and twisting it in the wound... Will she be able to hold the tears?

Another day - Another job

Today I started a new job - no longer am I jobless. The place I am working at looks very nice, the atmosphere is business-like, but at the same time comfortable. The ladies at the office, including the owner, seem very friendly and supportive, but not overly so. What do I do? Hmmm... The official name for it is "Accounts Receivable." This title encompasses working with drivers' manifests, applying payments, filling out deposit slips, issuing credits - in a word, processing every piece of paper that has to do with receivables. 

I knew from the first moment I came that I would have to learn a lot before feeling comfortable with my responsibilities, so I decided to follow the principle that "it is better to stay silent and appear stupid than to say something and confirm the suspicion." With all the swirl of information I began to feel a little discouraged - can I really do this job? But then, again, I have done a lot of prep work for it - why not try the real thing? 

The office atmosphere reminds me a little about the workplace from the sitcom "As Time Goes By." People are not afraid to share the fact that they have families and lives beyond this place, but there is absolute absence of complaining. When I asked questions, I actually received competent responses, direct answers that were applicable to my job - that's another relatively new thing. I have to admit, quite often before my superiors, when I asked a question, answered, " I am not sure... You figure it out." Here, everybody is friendly, yet detail oriented; they don't mind if you share a short story about your family, but everyone has way too much to do to keep the conversation going forever... I am not sure what it is; perhaps for the first time I see a place where everyone, without any exception, has work to do, and it is very definite and concrete. 

I certainly hope I can do this job. I think I can. Wish me luck, everyone who cares.