Not Like Them

I am not like them. I am not fat. I am not ugly. I do not say ugly things. I always do the right thing. I always try. I try to take care of my responsibilities. My responsibilities are my family. My family is most important in my life. My life is full. Full of responsibilities. Full of work. Full of plans.

I plan to take care of bills. I plan to take care of debt. I plan to move. I plan.

They do things. They cheat on their spouses. They get pregnant. They abandon their children. They get drunk. They get stoned. They make mistakes. They get taken care of. They go to Las Vegas. They go to LA. They do. I plan.

They feel. They feel loved. They feel close. They feel forgiven. They feel right.

I am. I am alone. I am separated. I am judged. I am wrong.

I long. I long for closeness. I long to forget. Forget my plans, my duties. I long to do something once without consideration, without thought, on pure instinct; get drunk and give in to a stranger for a moment of pleasure, moment of closeness, moment of thoughtlessness.

The morning after I will wake up. I will wake up with myself. I will be judged. I will be separated. I will be wrong.

They do. I plan. They feel. I am. They get taken care of. I take care. They live. I long...

Another day - Another job

Today I started a new job - no longer am I jobless. The place I am working at looks very nice, the atmosphere is business-like, but at the same time comfortable. The ladies at the office, including the owner, seem very friendly and supportive, but not overly so. What do I do? Hmmm... The official name for it is "Accounts Receivable." This title encompasses working with drivers' manifests, applying payments, filling out deposit slips, issuing credits - in a word, processing every piece of paper that has to do with receivables. 

I knew from the first moment I came that I would have to learn a lot before feeling comfortable with my responsibilities, so I decided to follow the principle that "it is better to stay silent and appear stupid than to say something and confirm the suspicion." With all the swirl of information I began to feel a little discouraged - can I really do this job? But then, again, I have done a lot of prep work for it - why not try the real thing? 

The office atmosphere reminds me a little about the workplace from the sitcom "As Time Goes By." People are not afraid to share the fact that they have families and lives beyond this place, but there is absolute absence of complaining. When I asked questions, I actually received competent responses, direct answers that were applicable to my job - that's another relatively new thing. I have to admit, quite often before my superiors, when I asked a question, answered, " I am not sure... You figure it out." Here, everybody is friendly, yet detail oriented; they don't mind if you share a short story about your family, but everyone has way too much to do to keep the conversation going forever... I am not sure what it is; perhaps for the first time I see a place where everyone, without any exception, has work to do, and it is very definite and concrete. 

I certainly hope I can do this job. I think I can. Wish me luck, everyone who cares. 

Pre-Valentine's Day Thinking

As I was thinking about where to go for Valentine's Day dinner with my husband, I decided to look online for ideas. Right there on MSN there was an article about "where to take your man for Valentine." I read it, and... wow, what a load of claptrap! As open-minded as I try to be, I don't believe a trip to the Strip Club would set for a prelude to a romantic evening. But, perhaps it's just me.
Then, there was the "Naked Lunch".... Hehehe.... I wish my husband and I could take that long of a lunch in the afternoon... Come on, writers, who did you write this for? High School Students? Most people have to work for living, and I know their schedule has 1 hour lunch - maximum... So - nice idea, but no thanks. This will have to wait till retirement - hopefully, my husband will still be willing to look at me naked then...
Then, there's the casino... Great idea in general, if only the holiday did not fall on Thursday - again, most people have to work the next day!
Anyway, after looking at all these ... "special" ideas, I think we will be going to a restaurant after all. Yes, plain old-fashined dinner and maybe a movie - if time permits. I think my husband will be happy to go to some specialty place, not your regular Olive Garden or Denny's. He likes Japanese food, and, in fact, he made me fond of it too. So, we'll most likely end up in a Sashimi Bar or at the small Japanese place - it should be quiet tomorrow, in spite of all the holiday mess...
And - for those who are reading this post - don't get your ideas from online articles; I am starting to think it's the worst place to go for... anything, really.
Have a Happy Valentine's Day. It's a day to remember why you are together.

Random thoughts with introduction

Hi! I guess if you are looking at this, I should introduce myself. My name is Katya, I am 29 years old, and I am a mother of five... But you already know that from my profile.
Right now I am working on a stitching project - a set from Mother Goose series - THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON, CAT AND THE FIDDLE and so on. These will be ready in... oh, probably in 3 weeks, maybe faster if my kids start driving me crazy on a more regular basis. Then I will just have to escape to my room, lock the door and stitch, stitch, stitch - so that I don't pop the gasket. Stitching really calms me down, I guess it's theraputic in a way. It helps me think and prevents me from panicking.
Another thing that makes me think is reading, but, unlike stitching, it actually makes me panick. When I was a child, if I was afraid or unsure of something, all I had to do was to open one of my favorite books, and I would drown in the characters's experiences and problems. Now that I have my own problems, dealing with real life, when I open a book, all I can do is compare my own expreriences with the characters'. So it kind of made an opposite effect - I now start thinking of the problems in the book, which reminds me of my own problems, which in turn makes me angry: "Why in the world do I worry about a non-existing character? I've got my own things to worry about!"
Yet, reading is still fun. I think I will read a book by Truman Capote "In Cold Blood," I really am intrigued with it.
These were my random thoughts. And now it's time for dinner.