A "Stitch'n'Bitch" Post...

Hello, dear friends,

As always, it has been quite a while since I posted here. That between my daily job, my home business (a.k.a "a second job"), the girls (who are not so child-like any more), and all the "in-between" stuff, the blog seems to fall through the cracks. Sometimes, I sit down to write, but with so many ideas going through my mind - which one do I focus on? Where do I start? Quite often, just thinking about the process makes me realize it's not worth the trouble, and I choose instead to concentrate on stitching.
Stitching, unlike "bitching", yields concrete results, and I see what I have accomplished after each session. Here is something I have been working on the past couple of weeks...

12 Days of Christmas SAL
by Plum Street Samplers

My goose is cooked... My swans are swimming (along with some ugly ducklings)... In fact, the maids are starting to materialize by now - they just need their milking buckets.  It has only got me about two years to get here... I am sure it will be finished soon (she said, rolling her eyes)...

I am stitching this project with the home-dyed threads from Nancy Turner's collection, and it is a real pleasure to work with them... Such soft threads - and rich colors...

The Goose...

The Swans...

There are other projects I am working on as well, but - alas - I cannot post pictures of them yet... 

Now that the stitching update is complete - on to the "bitching" part. I hope to get this out as precisely and quickly as possible, especially because for me, this particular subject - social isolation - is a recurring topic. 

This time, my rant was inspired by the online article in New York Post about some study on single life. "Being single will kill you faster than obesity," it declared bluntly. So, wait, I thought... are they saying that choosing to stay single is, in fact, unhealthy?

First, I took it as yet another thing "they" say we, as individuals, "have been doing wrong", along with eating meat, brushing teeth, washing our face, and raising kids. I take the "expert" suggestions with a grain of salt and a healthy dose of irony, reminding myself that, as long as y methods work for me and my family, the experts can really put their advice where the sun don't shine. 

Then, I thought how ironic it was that, in a society that in all its general behavior promotes social isolation, this piece suggests that getting into a relationship - any relationship, as long as you are not "single" - is deemed healthier for me than staying by myself. In the world where on a daily basis people are isolated from each other - by their cars, cell phones, head phones, laptops - and in fact often view a simple conversation as a challenge - here is a piece that encourages each one of us to make a serious choice and "trust" them that it's "healthy" for us - just because they say so. Forget our individual needs, cultural differences, nuances of upbringing - in a word, anything that makes us unique - and follow the herd, do what we are told to, because "they" know better. Sounds awfully familiar - like something from a history lesson.

I do realize that, in essence, the article was just trying to convey a simple and true message - that 

loneliness and isolation is not good for anyone, and definitely not for long periods of time. But, it seems they are going about it the wrong way. Come to think of it, all the technology that isolates us from each other on a daily basis was created with a purpose to bring us closer together. Cars were made to help us travel faster, internet and cellphones - to communicate more effectively. But, somehow, as a society, we misused them. On Facebook, I get endless requests to like, share, re-post, and copy to "prove" that I care about suicide prevention, curing cancer, and other numerous causes. As if pressing a few buttons is actually going to help cure illness or prevent someone from committing suicide....

This is not Super Mario Brothers video game, it is real life. It requires real action. Care about a friend? Call them, text, message - and make time to see them, and talk, and listen. It will take longer than pressing a button, but in the end it will do a world of good. Feeling lonely? Get yourself out of the car and take a walk. You'd be surprised how many interesting people I've met ever since I had to rely on my own two feet and public transportation for getting around. Make real connections with real people - and you will learn more about others and about yourself, and in the process, hopefully, chip away at that problem of loneliness and isolation in our society.

If you don't have time for real communication and connection, and do not wish to make time, then... don't. But also, don't spread general prefabricated statements of "caring." Stop overloading the internet with junk. And in the long run, prepare to deal with the consequences.

Until next time,

A Home Within

Hello, dear friends,

Once again, it has been a while. All the life changes have taken me away from this blog and from sharing. Most of my days are filled with job search, interviews, online and paper applications, and talking to various workers. Add to that public bus system to rely on, stitching at night and on weekends, plus cleaning and cooking - and you have the picture. A swirl of new experiences...

On May 1st, it will be three months since my husband and I separated. All the news - and changes that come with it - hit me all at once, so I had to focus on immediate survival needs first. My soul went into shock, and every time I wanted to think about what happened - and what I learned - the voice inside my head would say, "Not now, a little later, when the basics are out of the way." I did not cry - or, at least, not in plain view. Occasionally, I would start tearing up in the shower - but those "waterfalls" did not last long. I would not let myself dwell on "all that" because, frankly, I was afraid to come unglued. I suspected that, once I started "addressing" everything that went on, I would start crying, screaming, cursing, and  then - who knows when I would stop... Nervous breakdowns need to be handled in a controlled atmosphere, such as the therapist's office, mental health clinic etc... Coming unglued in the middle of a work day - or a job interview - is not beneficial to anyone.

Eventually, I found a good therapist. I expected for things to start pouring out of me, but - they did not. I still have not cried, although sometimes I felt like it. Perhaps, my body does not want to switch from "defense" mode - after all, I don't know that person very well yet, it has only been - what? - two weeks.. He is just another guy with an opinion. So, even reactions to his suggestions are delayed; I noticed that I would say, " I will think about it," store his suggestion somewhere in the back of my mind, and then, about 24-48 hours later, my actual response would start forming... Sometimes it's as simple as "you've got a point," other times my response is "mind your own business." I know one thing: if I make any permanent changes to my situation, it will come from me, and I will do it if and when I am ready.. (Currently, it feels like "when" rather than "if", but I am certainly going to take it one step at a time - because in the end, I am the one who will have to deal with the consequences).

One realization has hit me through the whole experience: in all this, I am all alone. Especially I feel it when people tell me that I can rely on them, that I am not alone, that I have support. Don't get me wrong, I do have support and help - from Social Services programs, from the Job Center, from my therapist, - and I am grateful. I get professional help. On a personal level, though, I am a lone warrior. And it feels like in this aspect, I am different from anyone else I know.

Most of my "friends" and acquaintances - here in town - have family and friends. That means, if the proverbial shit hits the fan and they feel they can't deal with life any more at some particular moment - they have a safe place to go to. If life gets to be too much, they can hide from it. Not me. I don't have a place like that in my life, come to think of that, I am not sure I ever had. Last time I felt I could "go somewhere safe" was when I was about 3 years old, and the place was (of course) Grandma's. Since then, I have felt on my own. There is no unconditional love in my life; I may feel it (for my children, although I try not to get carried away), but I doubt anyone feels it for me. If I "lose my cool," no one will run to the rescue. If they do, they will have their own - often deeply hidden - reasons. "When the rabbit cries, the fox comes a-running - but not to help."

Perhaps, that is one single reason I keep myself together: I know that deep inside, nobody really cares. The people that do care - my children - will get affected by my "meltdown" in such a way that may be irreparable.. and it won't help anyone, especially not me.

I am alone, and that is a fact. I don't have a home - I live in a house, but it's not mine, and has never been. Most importantly - I don't have a safe place in this world, a place to call home. On the inside, I am homeless. And that is, unfortunately, also a fact.

Perhaps, when I am ready, I can start working on building that safe place for myself - on the inside, and (who knows?) - on the outside, too. It's all a process.. One step at a time.

Until next time,

I Lost My Temper and Can't Seem to Find It...

The other day, I went to our local craft store for some supplies. Because of our budget, I always try to look at the discount and sale items first. So, I go to the discount shelf - and see a treasure: several pieces of Zweigart linen. Of course, I pick one up - what a deal, what a surprise, what a... never mind. I get to the cash register, and the girl tells me it's a mistake, an oversight, the price on this item is three times what I expected.... It was not even supposed to be on the sale rack.
It's not the first time this happened at our store: I see something in the discount bin, I pick it up, and at the cash register there is a "misunderstanding." In the past, I just refused the item and went on my way, slightly disappointed. But this time, I snapped. This was the last straw. I requested to talk to the manager. The impertinent tone of the cashier asking "Regarding what??" only confirmed it for me that something had to be done...
When the manager came, I explained to her the situation, and she was on my side. Wow, that's a first. She even said that they would honor the sale price of the item - it's their policy: after all, it's not my fault they put it on the wrong shelf.
The wrong price of material was the obvious trigger of my temper tantrum. I think, though, the real reason for my "rebellion" is deeper than wanting a piece of stitching material.... I come to this store at least once a week, and every time I know exactly what I am looking for. I know about different types of stitching cloth and the stitch count. That is why it is frustrating for me to talk to the personnel of that store - they do not seem to know anything related to this craft. Every time I asked for help finding something, they could not help me, because they did not know what I was talking about: "Eh, Aida? Evenweave? I am not sure we have it..." One time, I had to explain to the employee what poly-fil was: "You know, stuffing for pillows? Comes in bags, looks like cotton puffs?" He still did not know... Finally, I located it by myself, and one thing I was thinking - I could do this job so much better... Yet, he is doing it instead. When I tried to apply at our local craft store, I was deemed "overqualified"....  If that means I actually know my stitching stuff - I am guilty...
In the end, I got what I came for, and got my "treasure." But beneath the surface, there is so much more...

Thank you for reading my rant. Have a wonderful day!

The season for tearjerkers?

Recently, everywhere I go online I find various tearjerker stories: a baby talking to his mother from inside her womb, a little boy who can't afford to buy a doll... In the end, we find out that the baby was getting aborted, and the boy was buying the doll for his little sister so "mommy could give it to her when she goes to heaven...." Each story is aimed at a particular issue: abortion and loss/poverty/giving in these two instances, "daily miracles" of love and forgiveness, and treasuring friends over possessions. The list of topics can go on, and on, and on. At the end of each story, as if to add guilt to tears, the post asks "to re-post if it touched your heart or do nothing if it did not."
I guess my heart is just untouchable, because I never re-post these stories. For one, I do not believe in chain letters, and that's what these stories basically are. The people that posted these did not write them, they just hit "re-post" (or "share") and made it "theirs" for the day. And while hitting "Share" shows them to be sensitive and understanding, what does it do for anyone - except overload internet?
That was "for one"... For "two" (sounds too weird), over the years I have come to recognize all the stories that get posted. It seems several stories - always the same - go out every year around September - beginning of October, they reach their peak around Thanksgiving and slow down right after Christmas. The story about the little boy with the doll was seen by me every year for the past ten years. My once-sensitive heart was aching the first time I read it, but eventually sympathy gave way to cold recognition of a gimmick.

Which is what it is... A gimmick, an advertisement of sympathy and compassion - online, for everyone to see. Instead of doing something real - hit "Like" and "Share" in your corner of virtual space. That's just...

This says it all.