Happy Sunday!

Why happy? Because today I am taking a break from everything - from cleaning, from cooking, and - from stitching! It has been the decision of my family that, for the next twenty four hours, I am not to hold a needle in my hand for any purpose - and for once, I agree.
Instead, I drink tea and eat sandwiches, watch Netflix (actually watch, not listen), and even play video games on Xbox.. Hello second childhood!
Tomorrow it's back to projects, back to stitching... but today is a day of rest.

I hope all of my dear friends are having a chance to rebuild their strength by taking a well deserved day off..

Happy Sunday!

P.S. This image is not mine - it's "borrowed" from coffeeandtea.about.com. Something tasty about the phrase "tea and sandwiches" in itself, isn't there? :) 

Happy Mother's Day!

While I am not the one to go all warm and fuzzy over the word "mother" - for there are all kinds of mothers out there - I do appreciate my relationship with my daughters... We are not always "pals" or "best friends", but I keep telling them (and more often myself) that I am not their friend, I am their mother. So, if they are upset with me from time to time, it can only mean that I am doing something right. Hopefully, I am, that is...

Which makes moments like this more memorable. Lunch together, talking, laughing, sharing hopes - and plans... Sometimes, just for a short time, it feels nice to be your child's friend.

Vera and Me

Especially knowing that in another five, maybe six years, they will be adults - and will make their own decisions, their choices - and I will not necessarily have the most prominent place in their lives. Now is the time to enjoy it - as much as possible (between battles over homework and chores)... Now is the time for me to recognize Rita's artistic temperament, her talent for drawing - and her sharp, sarcastic sense of humor. As well as - Vera's high intellect, with that deep well of emotions - and ability to understand and explain almost anything to anyone. Life is not easy for singular people. Finding friends, making connections, getting accepted - and, especially, feeling accepted - is difficult for everyone, but it is even more so for people who refuse to pretend. While they are brave enough "to be alone than with whomever", being alone is definitely not their choice - and it's not easy.

Rita and Vera

No matter what happens in the future, I am and always will be proud to be their mother.

Happy Mother's Day!

News From the Island

The good news is - I finished a project! 

The bad news - I can't show pictures of it.... So, instead - there is a Bitstrip cartoon I made in honor of this accomplishment. One project down - two more to go! 

In all other aspects - things have been (almost) the same. Every time I think - maybe I should go out? - I start thinking of where to go, what to do... and the thoughts alone make me feel tired, to the point that going outside would be out of the question. 

Until next time - I will be on my island, stitching. 

News From The Island: Reading, Finding Purpose and Pulling Myself Together...

After yesterday's post about depression, I felt like I had to do something... something to find reason and purpose. I mean, I am still alive. Therefore, there must be a reason for my being here.
Solutions came in the form of online reading - as they have often done recently. After reading some posts out there, I realized that, by comparison, I am not doing so bad...

1. I am not injured. 
Several of my online friends are going through some serious health trials right now, suffering from pain and lack of mobility. I can walk. I can move. I am not in physical pain. I am OK.

2. I am independent.
Yes, I may be stuck at home most days, looking for - and not finding - reasons to leave the house, but I get to make my own decisions. I realized today, that not all people my age have that right, and for many it is almost a luxury. They have to live with their parents. I am lucky not to have to live under others' rules.

3. I work doing what I love most. 
While I am not exactly able to support my family with my "business", I am able to help - and that's a start. Of course, the main ingredient in this process is  - work. Anyone who believes that "home business" equals a relaxed woman drinking coffee in her kitchen is being taken for a ride. (The picture I am describing was seen by me at Costco on some product ad - with words "Create your own business" or something like that... )

And now, having done with the "self-encouragement", I am going to take my daughters out to lunch. True, it's not The Ritz, it's Panera Bread, but - I prefer casual style anyway.

P.S. I am, of course, still struggling with the same issues as yesterday. It's just - I have to find something, some way, to deal with all this. No amount of "there, there, it'll get better" comments can change the things I don't like... I have to find will and strength to change them myself.

Once again, thank you for reading my ramblings... Especially if you've read them until the end.
Until next time - I will be stitching... on my island. :)

Egyptian Zodiac - and More

Looks like it has been a month since my last post. Time for an update!

First of all, stitching news... I have been working on the Gemini pattern by Julie Hasler, from her Fantasy Cross Stitch book. My daughter is a Gemini, and I want to finish it in time for her birthday.

This is the most recent progress pic..Since it was taken, I have already stitched more. Some day I will stitch all twelve Zodiac patterns from that book. They are the best ones I have ever seen.

In addition to that, I have several work-related projects going... These mostly are exercises in patience and self-development... the first one I am running extremely low on.

Now on to the "more" part of the post. Even as I was typing this, I had to pause - where to start? It's like a great big concrete wrecking ball that keeps hitting me and knocking me down, all the problems and feelings about the problems tangled and solidified together and turned on me.

The short story is - I am depressed. (In my head, a voice immediately pipes up, "Who isn't?") Nothing special, right? In our day and age, every other adult and - seems like - every third child - has that. I am just one of many.

Of course, telling myself this does not help dealing with it. Not having any friends does not help, either. I feel invisible. Nobody comes, nobody calls, nobody cares. ( A voice hackles: "You are not alone - you have "Nobody.")

I do have a social life. People talk to me online. Several online friends with the shared stitching passion ("addiction," the inner voice quickly adds) send online messages. A wonderful "pen pal" lady friend from Denmark writes regularly - and I respond, also regularly. Individuals from other states talk to me about stitching projects. I even have a magazine subscription.  All the connections, all the projects, all the messages and letters say - you are not alone, you do have friends - and a full life.

Then I look around me - and no one is there. It is as if all this busy life I live has been imagined. Except the letters - and the magazine subscription - I have no tangible proof of it. I have never met most people I converse with face to face, and the ones I have - not in the past 20 years. In the back of my skull, a thought is knocking, waiting to get out, "Is it real, or is it all in my head?"

The answer to this question has been given to Harry Potter by Dumbledore (or by J.K. Rowling): "Of course it's all in your head. But why should that mean it isn't real?"

I have noticed that for several years now, when my depression gets bad, I want to re-read ( or re-listen) Harry Potter books. For a while I thought it was because of the "magical world" and witches and wizards... But the last two books of the series seem to have less to do with magic - and more with loss, depression, death... The "comforts" of the magical world become more of an accessory to the real problem of the heroes - dealing with death, and the reality of dying.
I have suspected this for a while (except I always substituted "death" and "dying" with "reality of life"), and when I saw a long interview with J.K Rowling about creation of Harry Potter books, I confirmed my ... suspicions. Perhaps this is the reason I choose the series when I feel the worst - I can relate to the characters's fears, panic, numbness... Plus, there is no patronizing in the voice of the narrator - so often present in many other works - and other people.

Other people - the ones that know what I am dealing with - have been coming up with suggestions.
"Get out more."
"Meet new people."
"Do things."

From the end: I already do things. There are no new people here, and they have nothing I am interested in.  Why????

Indeed, there are no people - let alone groups of people - near me that share my interests. See - it's not a matter of being "unfriendly" or mean - it's just after the first ten minutes we would have nothing to say to each other. So - why waste my time (and theirs) - just to say hello?

I am making my life and my friends. Unfortunately, they just happen to be thousands of miles away. I feel like I live on a deserted island - and, for all purposes, I do. I am isolated from people that may be close to me in spirit - by distance, and from people that are near me - by the non-sharing of interests. Complete and total isolation.

If you have read this to the very end - thank you. Until next time, I will be on my island, stitching.

Our Home

With a few days break, I had a chance to do some stitching for myself.
Here it is...

After the weekend.

I call it "The Little Crooked House." It was not meant to be crooked, but - it turned out that way. Since this project is all for me - and my family - I try not to fret over it too much. I like it... That's all that matters.

In other matters, my life has been - unchanged. We started to plan a short vacation - just to get away for a few days, nothing major - but financial circumstances changed (as they always do)- and with that our plans went up in smoke. I was looking forward to this break, so I can't pretend I am not disappointed.

I did go to the theater (a real theater) twice over the past few months. First time, back in January, a friend invited me to go see a surreal, bit "Twilight Zone", bit "detective" story. It was good and thought provoking. The second time, just last Friday, I invited a different friend to a play "The Penelopiad" - the events of Trojan War through the eyes of Penelope, Odysseus's abandoned wife. 

While he - the hero - goes around the world, saves women, gains fame and fortune, she is left to care for their son, rule the island, run the house - and, at the same time, be invisible. For twenty years, she has been waiting for a happy ending - for her husband's safe return, for love, for recognition. But, in the end there was no reward. The hero came back, slayed the suitors - and her favorite maids, for good measure. Not quite a happy ending we were hoping for...

Until next time - happy stitching! 

Stitching, Watching and Reading

Hello, my dear friends! Once again, it has been a while - three months since I posted last... Thank you for not giving up on me.
What has happened in those months? First of all - lots of stitching (of course)... Since January, I have been working on a Christmas Stocking - yes, another one - and yesterday night, late - very late - I put in the last stitch! To celebrate the completion, I had a glass of champagne  cup of sparkling cider...

"Toys and Games" Stocking

Here it is - all ready and made.... I enjoyed working on it - so many details, so many French Knots! 

Jack in the Box and Teddy

I have never in my life seen a real Jack in the Box. The closest thing to it might be the one in the episode of "Twilight Zone", when the monster boy turns his neighbor into a Jack in the Box toy and sends him into the corn field. Hmmm, I am getting a bit morbid here, aren't I? 

While working on this project, I have seen a couple of shows, and I also discovered for myself books on tape. Well, to be precise, I discovered them a while ago - on the shelves of a local Barnes and Noble store... Then I also discovered their prices - and realized I would have to take out a loan to have an audio library I would want. But where is a will, there is a way... Long story short, our local library happened to have quite a few audio books on CDs. I checked out "Kiss Me Like a Stranger" by Gene Wilder - best... listen I have ever had in a long time - while also stitching. Now my goal is to listen to "Notes on a Scandal" by Zoe Heller.... 

What was I talking about? Ah, yes, shows... One of the shows I watched this year was "American Horror Story". Amazing actors (Kathy Bates as a Southern slave owner, Jessica Lange - evil power hungry woman), good script... The only down side - for me - was that I often ended up staring at the screen with my mouth open - instead of stitching.

Another good show I discovered was "Once Upon a Time" - fairy tale characters "stuck" in our world by the enchantment of the evil queen... Only, with time we learn that the queen is not so evil - just miserable... Little Red Riding Hood - not so little any more, and required to wear the red cape to avoid turning into a blood thirsty monster.. And in the middle of all - Robert Carlyle as Rumplestiltskin. Could it get any better?

In conclusion, I want to share the results of my experiment. I have got the idea from Laura - my long distance friend and a talented stitcher - when she published a video/slide show of her stitching progress on a project, from beginning to end. So, that got me interested. I asked my DH to help with the Movie Maker program, he obliged - and... voila!

Now that this project is finished, I will have to find a new one... I think I will work on a family sampler, it has been calling my name for a while now...

Thank you for reading my ramblings!