An Online Diary?

Hello, dear friends,

  This morning, I have been trying out new templates and fonts for my blog. The idea behind all the changes is to make it look like a diary, as handwritten looking as possible....

   After messing around with (both) my blogs I discovered that the Russian one does not "accept" certain font changes! No curly Q's for me in Russian. Meh...

  Meanwhile, my daughter's birthday celebrations are continuing... Tonight, we are having a sleepover for a few of her friends. I am still not used to the whole sleepover party concept, for I grew up believing that the only people you can sleep over at are family. But - times are changing, and we have to change with times. Cliche? Cliche...

  This is my daughter Rita, trying to pose for the camera and getting distracted by our cat who is, in turn, trying to get her attention...

This is our cat, Dusty, slightly disgruntled, because his efforts did not lead to success, - knocking over cans of food and mewing loudly did not lead to him being picked up or fed - at least not immediately...

  This is Rita with Dusty... Looks like he is not getting the type of attention he wanted.

... and this is Rita with her stitched present. I am happy to say that she did like it. It is now hanging on the wall in her room. I do hope she keeps it - forever and ever..

Thank you for reading my ramblings...

Until next time,

A Happy Birthday And A New Finish

Hello, my dear friends!
Today is my daughter Rita's birthday. She has turned 14 years old. For  the past six years or so, every time it comes to one of the kids' birthdays, I always have to check and pinch myself: really? They are - how old?
For the past couple of days,  I have been busy - ordering the cake, organizing dinner plans, buying birthday gifts, and - stitching. Now the cake is in the refrigerator, the dinner plans are made, and all we need is for the birthday girl to come home from school. As for the stitching - this is what I have been stitching all the way until last night.

"Gemini" by Julie Hasler
Stitched on 14 ct Navy Blue Aida 

I own a whole book of patterns by Julie Hasler, called "Fantasy Cross Stitch. " I bought it, I looked through it, and I decided to stitch a Zodiac pattern for every one of my kids - five of them, - and also one for myself and my husband. That was...let's see.. about ten years ago. Every year I want to, and every year something comes up: work, life, other stuff... This year, finally, I stitched one! "Gemini" - for my daughter Rita.

After big projects, it did not look like much work - indeed, it only took about 2 weeks of very relaxed, "free time" stitching. Yet, the color changes and the details do require a lot of attention... it seems like, just as I set myself to stitch on one color, it was time to switch it to another and re-thread the needle....
Originally, I got one of these brass/gold looking hoops to mount it on, but then decided instead on a simple wooden hoop. Decorated it with rickrack ribbon from Nancy Turner's collection, and put a red flower bead on the top.

Gemini Close Up

Tonight, we are having a quiet family celebration - talking, eating cake (and sushi), and spending time together. All the noise - friends, guests, sleepovers - are still ahead, this weekend...

Several hours later - here's the cake...

The petit fours...

And the complete ensemble! 

Thank you for reading my ramblings, friends! 

Until next time,

Happy Sunday!

Why happy? Because today I am taking a break from everything - from cleaning, from cooking, and - from stitching! It has been the decision of my family that, for the next twenty four hours, I am not to hold a needle in my hand for any purpose - and for once, I agree.
Instead, I drink tea and eat sandwiches, watch Netflix (actually watch, not listen), and even play video games on Xbox.. Hello second childhood!
Tomorrow it's back to projects, back to stitching... but today is a day of rest.

I hope all of my dear friends are having a chance to rebuild their strength by taking a well deserved day off..

Happy Sunday!

P.S. This image is not mine - it's "borrowed" from coffeeandtea.about.com. Something tasty about the phrase "tea and sandwiches" in itself, isn't there? :) 

Happy Mother's Day!

While I am not the one to go all warm and fuzzy over the word "mother" - for there are all kinds of mothers out there - I do appreciate my relationship with my daughters... We are not always "pals" or "best friends", but I keep telling them (and more often myself) that I am not their friend, I am their mother. So, if they are upset with me from time to time, it can only mean that I am doing something right. Hopefully, I am, that is...

Which makes moments like this more memorable. Lunch together, talking, laughing, sharing hopes - and plans... Sometimes, just for a short time, it feels nice to be your child's friend.

Vera and Me

Especially knowing that in another five, maybe six years, they will be adults - and will make their own decisions, their choices - and I will not necessarily have the most prominent place in their lives. Now is the time to enjoy it - as much as possible (between battles over homework and chores)... Now is the time for me to recognize Rita's artistic temperament, her talent for drawing - and her sharp, sarcastic sense of humor. As well as - Vera's high intellect, with that deep well of emotions - and ability to understand and explain almost anything to anyone. Life is not easy for singular people. Finding friends, making connections, getting accepted - and, especially, feeling accepted - is difficult for everyone, but it is even more so for people who refuse to pretend. While they are brave enough "to be alone than with whomever", being alone is definitely not their choice - and it's not easy.

Rita and Vera

No matter what happens in the future, I am and always will be proud to be their mother.

Happy Mother's Day!

News From the Island

The good news is - I finished a project! 

The bad news - I can't show pictures of it.... So, instead - there is a Bitstrip cartoon I made in honor of this accomplishment. One project down - two more to go! 

In all other aspects - things have been (almost) the same. Every time I think - maybe I should go out? - I start thinking of where to go, what to do... and the thoughts alone make me feel tired, to the point that going outside would be out of the question. 

Until next time - I will be on my island, stitching. 

News From The Island: Reading, Finding Purpose and Pulling Myself Together...

After yesterday's post about depression, I felt like I had to do something... something to find reason and purpose. I mean, I am still alive. Therefore, there must be a reason for my being here.
Solutions came in the form of online reading - as they have often done recently. After reading some posts out there, I realized that, by comparison, I am not doing so bad...

1. I am not injured. 
Several of my online friends are going through some serious health trials right now, suffering from pain and lack of mobility. I can walk. I can move. I am not in physical pain. I am OK.

2. I am independent.
Yes, I may be stuck at home most days, looking for - and not finding - reasons to leave the house, but I get to make my own decisions. I realized today, that not all people my age have that right, and for many it is almost a luxury. They have to live with their parents. I am lucky not to have to live under others' rules.

3. I work doing what I love most. 
While I am not exactly able to support my family with my "business", I am able to help - and that's a start. Of course, the main ingredient in this process is  - work. Anyone who believes that "home business" equals a relaxed woman drinking coffee in her kitchen is being taken for a ride. (The picture I am describing was seen by me at Costco on some product ad - with words "Create your own business" or something like that... )

And now, having done with the "self-encouragement", I am going to take my daughters out to lunch. True, it's not The Ritz, it's Panera Bread, but - I prefer casual style anyway.

P.S. I am, of course, still struggling with the same issues as yesterday. It's just - I have to find something, some way, to deal with all this. No amount of "there, there, it'll get better" comments can change the things I don't like... I have to find will and strength to change them myself.

Once again, thank you for reading my ramblings... Especially if you've read them until the end.
Until next time - I will be stitching... on my island. :)

Egyptian Zodiac - and More

Looks like it has been a month since my last post. Time for an update!

First of all, stitching news... I have been working on the Gemini pattern by Julie Hasler, from her Fantasy Cross Stitch book. My daughter is a Gemini, and I want to finish it in time for her birthday.

This is the most recent progress pic..Since it was taken, I have already stitched more. Some day I will stitch all twelve Zodiac patterns from that book. They are the best ones I have ever seen.

In addition to that, I have several work-related projects going... These mostly are exercises in patience and self-development... the first one I am running extremely low on.

Now on to the "more" part of the post. Even as I was typing this, I had to pause - where to start? It's like a great big concrete wrecking ball that keeps hitting me and knocking me down, all the problems and feelings about the problems tangled and solidified together and turned on me.

The short story is - I am depressed. (In my head, a voice immediately pipes up, "Who isn't?") Nothing special, right? In our day and age, every other adult and - seems like - every third child - has that. I am just one of many.

Of course, telling myself this does not help dealing with it. Not having any friends does not help, either. I feel invisible. Nobody comes, nobody calls, nobody cares. ( A voice hackles: "You are not alone - you have "Nobody.")

I do have a social life. People talk to me online. Several online friends with the shared stitching passion ("addiction," the inner voice quickly adds) send online messages. A wonderful "pen pal" lady friend from Denmark writes regularly - and I respond, also regularly. Individuals from other states talk to me about stitching projects. I even have a magazine subscription.  All the connections, all the projects, all the messages and letters say - you are not alone, you do have friends - and a full life.

Then I look around me - and no one is there. It is as if all this busy life I live has been imagined. Except the letters - and the magazine subscription - I have no tangible proof of it. I have never met most people I converse with face to face, and the ones I have - not in the past 20 years. In the back of my skull, a thought is knocking, waiting to get out, "Is it real, or is it all in my head?"

The answer to this question has been given to Harry Potter by Dumbledore (or by J.K. Rowling): "Of course it's all in your head. But why should that mean it isn't real?"

I have noticed that for several years now, when my depression gets bad, I want to re-read ( or re-listen) Harry Potter books. For a while I thought it was because of the "magical world" and witches and wizards... But the last two books of the series seem to have less to do with magic - and more with loss, depression, death... The "comforts" of the magical world become more of an accessory to the real problem of the heroes - dealing with death, and the reality of dying.
I have suspected this for a while (except I always substituted "death" and "dying" with "reality of life"), and when I saw a long interview with J.K Rowling about creation of Harry Potter books, I confirmed my ... suspicions. Perhaps this is the reason I choose the series when I feel the worst - I can relate to the characters's fears, panic, numbness... Plus, there is no patronizing in the voice of the narrator - so often present in many other works - and other people.

Other people - the ones that know what I am dealing with - have been coming up with suggestions.
"Get out more."
"Meet new people."
"Do things."

From the end: I already do things. There are no new people here, and they have nothing I am interested in.  Why????

Indeed, there are no people - let alone groups of people - near me that share my interests. See - it's not a matter of being "unfriendly" or mean - it's just after the first ten minutes we would have nothing to say to each other. So - why waste my time (and theirs) - just to say hello?

I am making my life and my friends. Unfortunately, they just happen to be thousands of miles away. I feel like I live on a deserted island - and, for all purposes, I do. I am isolated from people that may be close to me in spirit - by distance, and from people that are near me - by the non-sharing of interests. Complete and total isolation.

If you have read this to the very end - thank you. Until next time, I will be on my island, stitching.