Crocodile Tears

Wailing away the minutes, the days, the hours,
Crying in rhythm - to your own beat -
Of "no regret";
Asking for help of people and of the Powers -
Stocking your prey,
Checking your traps,
Weaving your net.

Nature is honest. People are blind and stupid.
After the kill, the crocodile has to cry.
Animals know - the beast
Is overcome by neither sadness, nor pain, nor cupid, -
He's digesting his meal.
He does not need help.
Don't even try.

This has just "ran out" of me after about 30 minutes of thinking. It is not finished - I know it could use more work - but I like it, so I decided to show it. I have not been writing much - except for in my diary. This is the second thing I have written since the attack six years ago.

Until next time,
 

A Difficult Decision

Hello, dear friends,

I have been working as a cashier at the local 99c Store for three full weeks now... Today,. a call came in from the agency: they have a job opening that I might fit... Full time, pays a lot more than I am making now - and even more than I was paid at my previous job... On the down side - temporary, only for 30 days (or until the project gets done).

I was listening to the agent, thinking of the reasons why this job would be a blessing, why I should at least put my name in - and... I ended up saying no. The voice in my head instantly called me a stupid idiot: "Just take the money, silly creature." But - if I got hired there, the first thing would be telling all these nice people that I have to quit. I would not have this job any more -and (surprisingly) I do like it... Then - for a month (or longer) I would have to stop going to therapy... Finally, for the time of employment with the company I would lose all free time during the week - and possibly some weekends. If they are satisfied with my performance (which is not a guarantee), I will be employed for 30 days - at the end of which, I will be unemployed again. However, because my income would have jumped up, I would lose all the current benefits... just to end up with nothing again in the end (well, not with nothing - with some experience and, hopefully, some savings)...

In the end, I decided that money, however important it is, isn't everything. My current job pays minimum wage, true, but it also has minimum stress, flexible schedule, and pleasant co-workers. It's not much, but it's stable. Stability is what I require now more than anything.

At the end of the conversation, I had a distinct feeling that the agent was surprised at my saying no. But - I need something permanent... in fact, I have already  got it, so quitting it for something short-term is not really a smart choice... right?

Until next time,

Transformation....

Hello, dear friends,

I am back, even if just for a short time. Life has been very eventful. Even if nothing is going on on the surface, something is always going on - in the background, behind the scenes, or inside me. I guess, that is what happens when you change your life - you start changing, too.

I have been going through some changes. First, the visible ones, I saw in me right away - after all, losing 20 lbs is not easy to ignore. That was exciting - being able to fit into my old clothes, being able to fit into new - smaller -clothes, and not having every dress I put on like a night shirt.

Then, I noticed some changes in my tastes. One day, I realized I did not like coffee. That took me by complete surprise, especially because I love the smell of it - and I like making it, but drinking it suddenly became an unpleasant... task. I still have a cup of coffee here and there, with a neighbor or in company, but  at home I prefer tea (Chai Tea, to be exact - haha..)...

But the most important changes have been going on - of course - on the inside. It seems that my character is changing, and with that - who knows what will come... It is still a work in progress, so I don't even know where my development will lead me, but so far I have noticed that...

1. I have been extremely sensitive to bullshit. 
When I hear someone tell me "I care about you" or "I am there for you," I don't take it with gratitude or thanks, like I used to in the past. I just say, "OK." If that person - or persons - means what she - or he - says, then eventually I will see proof of that in their actions. If not - then they are just words. I don't really have much of a response to them.

2. I don't like people telling me what I should or could do.
 As well-meaning as some people could be, they are not walking in my shoes and cannot know exactly what I am dealing with and going through. So, their friendly suggestions, while smiled at, since unsolicited, are being quietly put in the "discard" pile. There are some exceptions - when I ask for advice and get it, or talk to someone I know has been through something similar, or when I talk to someone I respect. But, these people  are usually not showering me with suggestions. When I see - or hear from - them, each one usually starts with, "How are you doing?" Not with " I have come up with another list of things you should do/change/adjust."
And when someone comments on my qualities - such as my sense of humor, my "serious" approach to life, or anything else they find disagreeable - these people can just... piss off. These are my qualities, my approach, and, ultimately, my character. I don't want to - or have to - change for anyone. And for those who think/say that I should "work on" my sense of humor, I have a direct suggestion - maybe they could mind their own business... or try telling some jokes that are actually funny. Whatever works best.

3. I started liking my alone time. 
I never "disliked" being alone, but in the past something made me feel a bit uncomfortable about it - as if I was missing something, did not connect, or was somehow "not right." I felt "disabled" in some way: everyone can connect, make friends, have a good time - except me. Recently (well not so recently...) Gradually, I came to love being by myself, and with that came the realization that most people are not really having a great time - they are pretending for the sake of company. Someone once told me that most people are afraid of being alone and would do almost anything to not be there; I am not one of those people. I know now that was meant as a compliment. Thank you.

Until next time, 

A Home Within

Hello, dear friends,

Once again, it has been a while. All the life changes have taken me away from this blog and from sharing. Most of my days are filled with job search, interviews, online and paper applications, and talking to various workers. Add to that public bus system to rely on, stitching at night and on weekends, plus cleaning and cooking - and you have the picture. A swirl of new experiences...

On May 1st, it will be three months since my husband and I separated. All the news - and changes that come with it - hit me all at once, so I had to focus on immediate survival needs first. My soul went into shock, and every time I wanted to think about what happened - and what I learned - the voice inside my head would say, "Not now, a little later, when the basics are out of the way." I did not cry - or, at least, not in plain view. Occasionally, I would start tearing up in the shower - but those "waterfalls" did not last long. I would not let myself dwell on "all that" because, frankly, I was afraid to come unglued. I suspected that, once I started "addressing" everything that went on, I would start crying, screaming, cursing, and  then - who knows when I would stop... Nervous breakdowns need to be handled in a controlled atmosphere, such as the therapist's office, mental health clinic etc... Coming unglued in the middle of a work day - or a job interview - is not beneficial to anyone.

Eventually, I found a good therapist. I expected for things to start pouring out of me, but - they did not. I still have not cried, although sometimes I felt like it. Perhaps, my body does not want to switch from "defense" mode - after all, I don't know that person very well yet, it has only been - what? - two weeks.. He is just another guy with an opinion. So, even reactions to his suggestions are delayed; I noticed that I would say, " I will think about it," store his suggestion somewhere in the back of my mind, and then, about 24-48 hours later, my actual response would start forming... Sometimes it's as simple as "you've got a point," other times my response is "mind your own business." I know one thing: if I make any permanent changes to my situation, it will come from me, and I will do it if and when I am ready.. (Currently, it feels like "when" rather than "if", but I am certainly going to take it one step at a time - because in the end, I am the one who will have to deal with the consequences).

One realization has hit me through the whole experience: in all this, I am all alone. Especially I feel it when people tell me that I can rely on them, that I am not alone, that I have support. Don't get me wrong, I do have support and help - from Social Services programs, from the Job Center, from my therapist, - and I am grateful. I get professional help. On a personal level, though, I am a lone warrior. And it feels like in this aspect, I am different from anyone else I know.

Most of my "friends" and acquaintances - here in town - have family and friends. That means, if the proverbial shit hits the fan and they feel they can't deal with life any more at some particular moment - they have a safe place to go to. If life gets to be too much, they can hide from it. Not me. I don't have a place like that in my life, come to think of that, I am not sure I ever had. Last time I felt I could "go somewhere safe" was when I was about 3 years old, and the place was (of course) Grandma's. Since then, I have felt on my own. There is no unconditional love in my life; I may feel it (for my children, although I try not to get carried away), but I doubt anyone feels it for me. If I "lose my cool," no one will run to the rescue. If they do, they will have their own - often deeply hidden - reasons. "When the rabbit cries, the fox comes a-running - but not to help."

Perhaps, that is one single reason I keep myself together: I know that deep inside, nobody really cares. The people that do care - my children - will get affected by my "meltdown" in such a way that may be irreparable.. and it won't help anyone, especially not me.

I am alone, and that is a fact. I don't have a home - I live in a house, but it's not mine, and has never been. Most importantly - I don't have a safe place in this world, a place to call home. On the inside, I am homeless. And that is, unfortunately, also a fact.

Perhaps, when I am ready, I can start working on building that safe place for myself - on the inside, and (who knows?) - on the outside, too. It's all a process.. One step at a time.

Until next time,

It was fun while it lasted...

Hello, dear friends,

Well, today came with a blow: I was released from my (semi)-perfect job. Apparently, my multi-tasking skills are not as high as the job requires. Oh well, I tried. I did my best.

I know I should be panicked, shocked, dismayed - but, surprisingly, I am not. At least, not as much as I would expect from myself. Perhaps, it's because I did not have a chance to get "attached" to this job yet, or some other reason, - after I realized that the supervisor's mind was made up, I started feeling better. I thought: perhaps, the purpose of this job was to pay this month's rent, to learn that I was able to function in this type of setting, and - to experience a let go. I have not changed. I am still the same person. So maybe it was not a good fit after all. I have not had a chance to get bored - or tired of - this job. I guess that's a plus.

Finally, my past experience has taught me that, when something drastic happens - whether it's my professional life, or personal one - it always brings new opportunities and changes for the better. Perhaps, this situation means that there is something better out there for me - something that I am better suited for, perhaps.

Life has been a roller coaster these past three months. Everything always changes, nothing stays the same long enough for me to get used to it. Maybe it's Life's way of telling me not to get complacent. Not to get "comfortable." To be ready for new things to come.

I do hope they are good things.

Until next time,

Life goes on, and so does the stitching...

Hello, dear friends,

It has been about two weeks since my last post, so it feels like a good time for another update.

When I start thinking about it, I really don't know where to start: my job? my life? my stitching? So many things changed so quickly in my life - and still keep changing - that two weeks feel like two months - or even longer. One steady feeling, though, that has been growing in me - and me - is Self-Confidence. The more I go through things, the more I face these challenges - big and small - the more I feel, " I can do this!" I can do this - all by myself.

Then again, I am not "all by myself." My daughters are with me, and they are a great comfort. For the first time in many years, I feel like I can talk to them - and they to me - without pretense. We say it like it is. There is no need for false and fake "niceties," forced expressions of respect. If they are unhappy or they disagree with me - they tell me. If - or when - I need to say something - I do. No long speeches, no put downs, no theatrics... And it works. I feel, finally, that we are on the same team. We understand each other - at least as much as it is possible between two teenage daughters and their mother. And, finally - I feel like we have our privacy. Nobody is watching. This is not  Cinema Verite, there are no hidden cameras. (Not that there ever actually were cameras, but in my marriage, I often felt like I was in a sitcom, cast for a supporting role. I cannot tell you how much relief it brings to drop that kind of pretense.)

Next week will be the seventh week (already?) of my new job. I am starting to feel a bit more confident in my position - that is, I don't have to ask every five minutes for directions, - but now, I feel, the challenge is not to become over confident. I have a lot to learn here, and sometimes being silent and listening is better and more productive than talking and trying to "get things done." Often, that is a very good approach to life in general, too.

With all the work and chores, there is very limited time left for stitching - but my Aquarius has grown arms since the last time I posted. Slow and steady, it grows....

"Aquarius" WIP

 Until next time,

Changes...

      Hello, dear friends,

     Since my last post over a month ago a lot happened, so much that life seemed like a roller coaster at times: up - down - twist- turn - back up again... Some things have been good, some could be considered tragic.
    One of the (major) good things - I've got a job! It has been such a long time since I have worked a proper full time job that I almost did not believe it when the agent called me the day after the interview and announced, " I have good news, they have extended an offer." During the entire first week, I kept pinching myself, checking to make sure I am not dreaming some sort of an extended dream...
    Another good thing is - my job offers many learning opportunities. It deals with many aspects of the industry - from accounting and bookkeeping (that I have some experience in) to trademark research (in which, until now, I had no knowledge whatsoever)... Every day is a new lesson, a new experience, and a new challenge. Am I scared? Not really. I am ready to learn. I feel that I am up to it. Who knows - maybe this is the one, the job that can turn into a career. I am hopeful.

   Another thing (I almost want to say "bad this time", but I honestly am not sure it is) that occurred this year is my separating from my husband. I don't quite know what to say - or write - about it out loud. Deeply covered family secrets came to light, certain truths got uncovered, resulting in a crisis. I felt robbed, deceived, and paralyzed. But, as my good friend said once, crisis is a good thing because it forces you to acknowledge the problem and deal with it. So, I picked myself up by... I don't even know what - and started dealing, and have not stopped since. And - believe it or not - things have been changing - quickly, drastically, from one day, almost from one moment to the next. One moment I was sitting at the Social Services building, applying for emergency help - next thing I know, just several days later, I am talking to a job recruiter at the staffing agency, going to an interview in a business outfit and a new smart jacket, my (newly) typed resume in my hand... and next thing I know - I am working again! Just this January, I was no closer to driving a car than flying to the moon - by the first week in February I was walking out of the DMV with a permit, and by now I have had three driving lessons... Not bad for someone who thought she'd never get behind the wheel.
Finally, I feel better - physically, emotionally, and mentally. No more stressful dinner times, no more thick-cut tension in the air, no more invisible elephants. Things are far from perfect, and there are many problems, but I have always been able to deal with that - or, rather, I have always dealt with problems, whether I felt able to or not. It's just now the additional weight has lifted, somehow the "burden" of adulting has become lighter. Yes, I have problems, but they are my problems; I know what they are and how to deal with them.

   With all the work and all the changes - what about my stitching? I have not been able to stitch quite as much as I would like to, but I did put in a few stitches here and there over the weekend...
    Here is the result of these short and sweet sessions...

Aquarius

Until next time,